Tag Archives: judgmentalism

The Monks’ Interesting, Not-So-Silent Retreat

General and Miscellaneous, Stories and Fables, , ,

Just as the former Soviet Union banished its dissidents to the Siberian gulags, so, too, did the Vatican exile its freethinking clergy to settings where they would cause minimal disruption among its faithful. Such was the case with Brother Costello, whose natural curiosity led him to question all matters, even what the Church considered to be established doctrine. In his case, the Church not only exiled him to a remote cloister in rural Ireland, but also promoted him to the position of abbot. This particular monastery experienced considerable tension among its monks, and the Church establishment apparently intended to give Brother Costello a taste of his own medicine with his new assignment.

When the new abbot arrived at his post, he found the monastery in total disarray, with its few remaining residents constantly bickering. After a few weeks of trying to achieve harmony among the friars, the new abbot was at his wits’ end. Still, he needed to address the crisis at hand, and the monks’ rancor interfered with his clarity of judgment and ability to devise a strategy. It was at this point that the abbot imposed an overnight silent retreat upon his subordinates, if only to allow him a brief reprieve from the chaos.

The Retreat

On the evening of the retreat, Abbot Costello had the monks, Brothers Thomas, Paul, Sean, Michael, Richard, and Patrick, sit in a small circle in the chapel, facing inward. The retreat was to begin at dusk, with silence imposed upon the monks until dawn. He began the event by lighting a candle, which he placed at the center of the circle. He then got up from his seat, indicating that he would return at sunrise.

The retreat was rather uneventful for the first several hours, until the candle burned itself out, plunging the chapel into total darkness. This had an unsettling effect on the monks, who became quite squirmy and fidgety. Finally, Brother Thomas could stand it no more, breaking the restless silence, “Brother Paul, go get another candle and light it – I can’t stand the darkness!”

Brother Paul fired back, “Go get it yourself, if you can’t stand it – I’m not your servant!”

Then, without a moment’s hesitation, Brother Sean blurted out, “Brothers, we’re supposed to keep quiet!”

Then Brother Michael chastised them, “You losers can’t even keep your mouths shut for a few hours! Now you’ve messed things up for all of us.”

Brother Richard quickly countered, “Not if we keep quiet about it. We don’t have to tell on ourselves.”

Brother Patrick was feeling rather smug at this point, as he was the only monk who had kept his silence. Still, he was rather miffed that the other brothers apparently didn’t realize this. “Hey, don’t include me in this – I’m the only one who hasn’t talked.”

This exchange transpired in a matter of minutes, after which they said not another word until dawn. Still, it was a rather noisy silence, as they all mulled over in their heads the blame for disturbing the peace. The remaining hours until sunrise seemed to drag on forever.

The Review

When Abbot Costello returned at dawn, he sat down in the empty seat and asked them how the retreat went. All hung their heads and no one spoke up. At this point, the abbot realized that extracting any confessions from them would be counterproductive. “Very well, then, we can start the second part of the retreat. Even though you’ve remained silent, I trust that you have all had your meditations disrupted by intrusive thoughts, even if you haven’t spoken them out loud. Or do we have any living saints among us who weren’t bothered by disruptive thoughts?”

Still, the monks remained silent. Perhaps they considered the question rhetorical, but more likely they suspected it a trick question.

“Very well, then, we’ll proceed. It really makes little difference whether you’ve spoken your thoughts out loud or kept them to yourselves. In a way, though, it’s unfortunate that you kept your silence, as speaking your concerns out loud would have highlighted the more troubling challenges to your serenity. So who would like to start us out by sharing the thoughts that disrupted your tranquility?” The monks’ silence continued, yet the abbot remained patient, waiting out the monks until they could no longer stand the tension.

The Reckoning

Finally, Brother Sean spoke up, stating how it was quite upsetting to him when others could not or would not obey the rules and guidelines. The other monks glared at him for implicating their breach of silence with his admission. The abbot ignored the implied accusation, instead directing his curiosity toward how Brother Sean developed this obsession with unquestioning obedience. Brother Sean explained how his parents were quite strict with their rules and severe with their punishments. Thus, he learned to obey the letter of the law and to become quite anxious when his brothers and sisters broke the rules.

Abbot Costello reflected upon this, only commenting, “Interesting.”

Soon, Brother Richard chimed in, noting his having had similar parents and rather unruly siblings. He noted how his parents had punished all the children when anyone got into trouble. While he could not control his siblings, he encouraged them to be sneaky, in order to escape detection. He recognized how he developed a habit of “playing with his cards close to his vest”, such that he was wary of revealing too much of himself.

Abbot Costello considered this, then commented, “Interesting.”

Next, Brother Michael related his similar experiences with parents who were quite demanding and critical. Thus, he learned that he could never do anything adequately. Michael had decided that the best defense is a good offense, and his parents were excellent role models for this. Thus, he learned to be highly critical, with both himself and others. He noted how he often caught himself being just like his parents in his judgmentalism, a trait he despised in himself.

Abbot Costello pondered this, then commented, “Interesting.”

Brother Thomas then noted how his family background was chaotic and at times even violent. He described how his parents often fought over the kids. As the oldest, Thomas tried to impose order on his younger siblings to keep them from upsetting their parents. He acknowledged his bossiness, but had felt it justified in order to keep the peace.

Abbot Costello thought about this, then commented, “Interesting.”

Brother Paul shared how he could relate to Brother Thomas’s family situation, though from the standpoint of the youngest child. As a child, he had resented his older brothers for bossing him around. This developed into a gnawing resentment toward elders and authorities.

Abbot Costello contemplated on this, then commented, “Interesting.”

All the monks had spoken, except for Brother Patrick, who appeared deep in thought. He then admitted how he, an only child, had difficulty relating to the others’ stories. Furthermore, his mother teaching him at home allowed only limited contact with his peers. Patrick felt rather awkward interacting with other children, who often teased him for his lack of social graces. The young boy heeded his mother’s counsel, that he was special and others were simply envious of him. Thus, he learned to discount others, if not outright ignore them.

Abbot Costello meditated on this, then commented, along with the chorus of the other brothers, “Interesting.”

The abbot then shared his opinion that the brothers had made good use of their silent retreat. He noted, though, that the larger challenge lay ahead of them. One particular goal is to keep the lessons fresh in their mind. A second task is to apply this understanding to their relationships with one another. The brothers agreed to continue with the retreats and to apply the new insights about themselves and each other to their daily lives.

The Issue of Darkness

Before adjourning, the abbot noted a key feature of the retreat that the brothers had not addressed. He asked the  monks about their reactions to darkness when the candle went out. The brothers were rather wary of this inquiry, as they had not mentioned it in their discussions. Still,  the experience had been so unsettling that they decided that it deserved further attention. This unfinished business also allows us to explore the meaning of  the darkness for ourselves.

The above story is an embellishment and Westernization of a popular Zen parable. The original can easily be found on the internet by googling “Learning to Be Silent parable.” 

Being in Group Therapy

General and Miscellaneous, Interpersonal Roles, Personal Conflict, , , , , , , , , , ,

While many clients prefer individual therapy, group therapy offers various benefits beyond what we might typically expect in individual therapy. First, group therapy offers the opportunity to learn vicariously from the experiences of others who share in the group. Learning from the others’ mistakes means getting valuable lessons without having to suffer the consequences of learning from our own trials and errors. When this sharing is back and forth, everyone benefits. Another important benefit of group therapy is getting feedback from other group members. It should be noted that such feedback can be no better than the information upon which it’s based. For this reason, telling “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” is essential for getting the most helpful feedback. Opening up like this requires trust in the group leader and the other group members, both that they will respond constructively in the group and that they will honor the confidentiality of the material being shared.

Feedback from the Group Leader

Feedback, whether from an individual therapist or from a group leader, carries the extra baggage of being “authoritative” – which can be both good and bad. On the positive side, the education, training, and experience of the leader can offer some valuable concepts, principles, and knowledge that members can apply in their own lives. Yet authoritative feedback has its downside, as well. On the one hand, group members might embrace the feedback or advice of a group leader as the ultimate truth, without any questioning – buying into the authoritative reassurance of, “Trust me, I’m a doctor,” even when it is neither stated nor intended. Members could use such blind trust to avoid personal responsibility for their own actions (e.g., “I was only following the doctor’s orders – you can’t blame me for this mess.”). On the other hand, authoritative statements can trigger a backlash for those who have “authority issues.” This often involves an attitude of, “Who are you to tell me what I should think or do?” This reflex reaction often involves rebellion, opposition, or defiance, which is quite different from the reflective understanding of independent thought (e.g., processing and weighing how the feedback is relevant to one’s particular situation, then reaching one’s own conclusions about its usefulness). A useful perspective on feedback from authorities is implied in the famous line from The Wizard of Oz, when Toto pulls back the curtain to reveal the wizard as a little old man: “Pay no attention to the little man behind the curtain.” This paradoxical message actually redirects the viewer’s focus from the larger-than-life authority image projected on the wall to the actual person behind that projection. In doing so, it conveys the message that even the experts in whom we place our trust are only human, too. This realization suggests that we can only empower ourselves when we think for ourselves.

The Group Leader and Confidentiality

The group leader should maintain the confidentiality of information shared within the group, except for some particular circumstances. These include situations where there is a risk of members harming themselves or others, reasonable suspicion of incidents of abuse or neglect of children or elders, and court orders and subpoenas for records. However, ther are times when group members may want the leader to provide progress reports or treatment summaries to their referral sources, particularly when these sources are requiring satisfactory involvement in treatment. In these cases, members must sign an authorization to allow the leader to share information. This latter exception to privacy may well discourage some members from being completely candid in the group, yet it should be noted that members have little to worry about as long as they continue to do the next right thing.

Feedback to and from Group Members

Peer-to-peer feedback can reduce many of the pitfalls of authoritative or expert advice noted above. Often it is easier to receive and use feedback based on peers’ similar personal experiences rather than on advice based on abstract knowledge and principles. Here, offering one’s own past or current experience on the issue is usually more productive than passing judgment or offering advice. Sharing one’s similar experiences emphasizes the peer-to-peer relationship in the group, in contrast to an unequal relationship, such as between therapist and client or mentor and student. It is important that the feedback be offered in a positive, constructive manner, rather than with an attitude of criticism, judgmentalism, condescension, or blame. Members who offer authoritative advice tend to evoke resentment from other members, who can be even more resistant to receiving the expertise of their peers than they are when it comes from authority figures.

There may also be times when members are motivated to provide feedback because they view another member’s participation as infringing upon their rights as group members (e.g., monopolizing the group time, interrupting other members, or introducing topics irrelevant to the group purpose). Here, it is important to discuss the situation in terms of the disruptive behavior and its impact on one’s comfort and involvement in the group, rather than through an attack on the other’s character or personality. We can then ask for a change in that offending behavior. This offers the opportunity to practice one’s assertiveness skills. For some, this may require some toning down of verbally aggressive feedback, which may have a rather judging or blaming tone. For others, the challenge is to speak up for oneself in the first place, particularly when one has tended to avoid conflict in order to keep the peace.

One of the primary benefits of group therapy is in receiving feedback from others who can be neutral and objective because they are not involved in our daily life. For this reason, we encourage exercizing caution in developing relationships with other members outside the group. Such relationships outside the group could adversely affect our willingness to share in the group. After all, if we could easily open up with our family and friends, we might not need therapy in the first place. A further concern is the potential for conflicts to arise during interactions outside the group. These events could interfere with the effective functioning of the group. Should such situations arise, it could be helpful for the members to share the issues with the group. Otherwise, the group leader and the other group members may notice some underlying tension, yet not have enough background information for understanding and addressing it.

Confidentiality among Group Members

An essential condition for group therapy is confidentiality among its members, as we cannot comfortably share our personal issues when we do not feel safe in doing so. So like Las Vegas’s tourist slogan (i.e., “What goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”), group members need to preserve the privacy of information shared in the group. We are free to share our own personal experiences in group therapy, but this should never involve divulging the identity or personal information of other group members. While group leaders are unable to guarantee that all members will honor the confidentiality of others, we will do our best to reinforce the code of confidentiality. Serious or repeated violations of privacy could result in excluding the violator from further group involvement, not as punishment, but for the safety of the other members. So as to discourage this from happening, group members are encouraged to discuss their privacy concerns any time that these arise during the course of the group. This also presents an opportunity for group members to exercise their self-worth in asserting their concerns and rights within the group.

Summary of Benefits of Group Therapy

Group therapy offers many of the benefits of individual therapy, while also providing an opportunity to learn from one’s peers. This learning can come not only from what members share in the group discussion, but also from the style through which we interact with others. Furthermore, members have the opportunity to receive feedback from their peers, as well as from the group leader. The group also provides a sort of laboratory in which its members can experiment with developing new and potentially more effective ways of interacting with one another. These benefits can be more striking when its group members share significant issues in common, such as substance problems, anxiety and depression, or codependency. Because of the members’ often hard-learned lessons from the school of hard knocks, I often refer to them as my “panel of experts.” Their real-world experience complements the conceptual and theoretical understanding that is often provided by the group leader. With such understanding among its members, groups can function as a dress rehearsal in dealing with many of the issues its members face in daily life.

Vicious Cycle Patterns in Relationships 1.0

General and Miscellaneous, Vicious Cycle Patterns in Relationships, , , , , , , , , , , ,

The following is an article that I wrote about twenty years ago, yet my message is much the same now, though I have elaborated on it and integrated it with other themes, particularly the explorations of relationships as organic systems, rather than in terms of simple cause-and-effect relationships.  The Beetle Bailey comic strip by Mort Walker that I cite is from October 6, 1991, and it continues to be a timeless pattern.

THE CRITIC – VICTIM/REBEL – RESCUER CYCLE

drama-triangle

Adapted from the Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer Cycle, by Stephen Karpman, from the book, Games Alcohols Play, by Claude Steiner (1971)

VICIOUS CYCLES IN RELATIONSHIPS

AND TIPS ON HOW TO STOP SPINNING YOUR WHEELS

By Bob Daniel, Ph.D.

Tidewater Psychotherapy Services

How often have you found yourself caught up in a struggle with a spouse, friend, or other significant person, and the harder you try to resolve the problem, the worse the situation becomes?  And despite realizing this, you are compelled to keep trying the same approach, only harder?  Chances are that your partner in this struggle is experiencing a similar frustration and compulsion, though from a quite different perspective.  These features define the basic vicious cycle pattern of interaction.

 An example will illustrate this phenomenon.  In a “Beetle Bailey” comic strip a while back, General Halftrack’s wife scornfully predicts that he will stop off to have several drinks before returning home after golf.  He becomes sullen and indignant at her insinuation of his lack of self-discipline.  So how does he cope with his distress?  That’s right – he finds solace at his favorite bar.  We can further assume that Mrs. Halftrack will continue to address her loneliness by nagging him even more for his drinking and absences.  Though each spouse has a legitimate need – the wife’s wish for companionship and the husband’s desire for respect and confidence in him – each is responding in a manner that practically negates those possibilities.

 ADDICTION AND CODEPENDENCY

This pattern is one of many profiled in the current literature on addictive and codependent behavior.  Whatever the outlet – alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, food, compulsive shopping, etc. – the addiction offers the addict an escape from the codependent’s demands and provides an impersonal mode of tension relief.  This in turn enables the codependent partner to deflect attention away from his or her own inner pain and to focus on the partner’s addictive behavior.  The codependent then typically engages in a campaign of complaining, pleading, bribing, blaming, demanding, threatening, and withholding in order to correct and control the partner’s behavior.  As we saw in the case of the Halftracks, this only serves to perpetuate the problem.

 CRITIC – VICTIM – RESCUER TRIANGLES

The addiction-codependency pattern is only one version of the vicious cycle.  Other cycles may involve a third person, with each participant assuming a specialized role.  Such is the case with the critic-victim-rescuer cycle.  In this pattern the critic blames and punishes the victim, typically for some inadequacy or weakness.  The victim feels hurt, rejected, and fearful. Rather than confront the critic, the victim seeks solace from the rescuer, who identifies with the victim’s pain and assumes a protective posture.  The rescuer implicitly condones the victim’s retreat by interceding with the critic for patience and understanding for the victim.  A frequent implication of this message is that the critic has been cruel and insensitive.  The critic feels rejected and alienated by the victim-rescuer alliance and expresses this by blaming the rescuer for coddling the victim and by again criticizing and punishing the victim at the next instance of weakness, thus starting the cycle over.  These interactions serve to accentuate the roles of the participants:  critic as punitive outcast, victim as helpless dependent, and rescuer as self-sacrificing martyr.  These amplified roles in turn strengthen the vicious cycle.

 FAMILY TRIANGLES

Families are perhaps the prevalent setting for this triangular cycle, and families with rigidly defined roles are often the most susceptible.  In our culture the father commonly serves as disciplinarian, while the mother often provides protection and support.  Rigid adherence to these roles tends to polarize the parents into extreme positions, thereby setting up a critic-victim-rescuer cycle.  In this case the father places harsh, unrealistic demands on the child and the mother protects the child from even the normal risks required to develop competence and independence.  Another version frequently occurs in alcoholic and chaotic families, wherein one parent victimizes the other.  In this case the child attempts to fulfill the rescuer role, sacrificing his or her childhood to assume responsibility prematurely.  In severe cases of either variation, escalation to abuse and violence is possible, and imminent risk would require the intervention of authorities for protection.  Furthermore, these patterns may persist well into the offspring’s adulthood, with these well-learned roles and interactions available to be played out in other settings – including the next generation’s family.

 THE PERSISTENCE OF VICIOUS CYCLES

 Given the futility of vicious cycles, we might wonder why people stay in these downward spirals.  A basic reason is that the roles and interactions are well-learned from our family backgrounds, and we are apprehensive about trying anything new and unfamiliar.  Besides the security of the familiar, there also seems to be an innate human tendency to rework frustrating situations until we get them right.  This urge even extends to the choice of one’s spouse.  It has been observed that the overly responsible children of alcoholics often end up marrying alcoholics or similarly addicted personalities, even when they consciously try not to.  Thus, the partners tend to be well-matched in their complementary roles, which further strengthens the grip of the vicious cycle.

 Attempts to give up dysfunctional roles often pose threats to the identity upon which our self-esteem is based. Identity involves who we are not, as well as who we are.  Persons living out deeply ingrained roles often view other choices as totally alien:  “That’s just not me.”  A critic will feel comfortable expressing anger but not hurt, which is taken as a sign of weakness.  A victim will show hurt and doubt but not anger, which is seen as bad.  A rescuer will show hurt and anger for others, yet view doing so for oneself as selfish.  These definitions of self narrow the participants’ options and further lock them into their vicious cycle roles.

 FINDING THE WAY OUT

Once you recognize that you are in a vicious cycle, how can you escape it?  Actually, recognition is a major step, since stepping back to gain perspective releases you from the tunnel vision that keeps you focused on your partner’s role in the struggle.  Reflection usually shows that there is no single culprit responsible for the mess, but that each person plays a part.  This tends to counter the good vs. evil thinking that often perpetuates the struggle:  participants may blame each other and ignore their own choices, or they may attempt to relieve the distress of guilt, inadequacy, or assigned blame through some addictive or otherwise self-destructive behavior.  Gaining the perspective it takes to get yourself into the picture enables you to see the overall problem and to explore new options to resolve it.  When both partners in a vicious cycle get an overview of their dilemma, it can lead to an exciting process of mutual discovery.

 Even if only one partner were wanting to work on breaking the cycle, simply declining to participate in the vicious cycle in the usual way can help.  If Mrs. Halftrack stops complaining, the general might start assuming responsibility for his drinking, since he can no longer blame it on her nagging.  Or if he could stop drinking to relieve his distress, she might begin attending to her own loneliness.  Note that these are only possibilities, not guarantees.  You can influence others, but you cannot control them.  The paradox of influence is that it works best when you give up the illusion of control.  Thus, the most effective way out of a vicious cycle is to work on changing yourself.  Even then, it might not be enough, especially if your partner is deeply committed to his or her role.  Then, getting out of the vicious cycle may mean getting out of the relationship.

 GETTING HELP

Breaking a vicious cycle can be a truly difficult process, and support and guidance can be critical to its success.  If you are prone to vicious cycles, then your self-image will tend to be narrowly defined by your assumed role, with significant aspects of the psyche relegated to the “not me.”  Just as you require a mirror to reflect your body image, you come to see your personal self reflected in the eyes of others.  Thus, friends outside your vicious cycle can help you discover the disowned aspects of yourself that can help free you from the cycle.  Yet they may also become involved in the vicious cycle themselves, often in the rescuer role.  This usually just reinforces the narrow view of yourself defined by the vicious cycle.  It thus is important to assess their advice and support, rather than simply accepting it on blind faith.  Support groups, such as those focused around addictions and codependency, can be quite beneficial, since the members tend to be at various stages of recovery and disengagement from vicious cycles.  Psychotherapy can also be quite helpful.  While their techniques will vary according to theoretical orientation, therapists have the conceptual tools to support disengagement from vicious cycles.  Furthermore, therapists have often undergone extensive training and self-exploration to avoid getting caught up in the vicious cycles themselves in providing therapy.

 THE REWARDS:  SELF-ESTEEM AND INTIMACY

Escaping the vicious cycles offers the opportunity to expand one’s identity and to establish emotional intimacy with one’s partner.  A victim who uses her previously disowned anger to challenge her critics can become self-confident and gain the respect of others.  A rescuer who learns to advocate for herself and put her needs first can find greater satisfaction in relationships and discover her intrinsic self-worth.  A critic who admits his pain and vulnerability often finds greater acceptance from others, which helps to release him from the pressure of his own self-imposed unrealistic expectations.  Additionally, the self-defeating roles themselves can be transformed in healthier modes of relating.  A harsh critic who softens his judgmentalism can serve as an instructive mentor, guide or coach.  A rescuer who refrains from taking on others’ problems can care for others, rather than take care of them.  A victim who assumes responsibility for dealing with his problems can learn from authority figures rather than avoiding them as critics or seeking refuge through them as rescuers.  Furthermore, his expression of feelings can serve the self-disclosure required for his partners’ empathy.  When partners alternate among these various roles, then mutual support and intimacy become possible.  While breaking out of vicious cycle roles is difficult, the rewards of healthy self-esteem and enhanced intimacy are well worth the effort.

Dr. Bob Daniel is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in private practice with Tidewater Psychotherapy Services in Virginia.