An earlier post, Dealing with Conflict in Relationships: The Art of Assertiveness, affirmed that interpersonal conflict is a normal and healthy aspect of relationships. It proposed conflict a means through which we maintain a dynamic balance between our own self-interest and the well-being of our partners. While it noted self-expression, active listening, and negotiation as three basic components of conflict resolution, it did not identify particular strategies that one might adopt in this process. The below table outlines eight such strategies. This list is not etched in stone, such that others may come up with a different number of strategies, and different strategies entirely. Much is simply a matter of personal preference as to how to cut up the pie, with the primary criterion of the “truth” of these concepts lying in their usefulness.
| STYLE | ADVANTAGES | DRAWBACKS |
|---|---|---|
| Avoidance -ignoring and refusing to deal with conflict | Strategic retreat, to prevent escalation of hostilities and to regain perspective | Conflicts, problems and stress accumulate, others lose respect for you and get their way by default |
| Accommodation- giving in, submitting, capitulating | Admitting when wrong, conceding when defeated, when your opponent has all the leverage | Getting less of what you want, being perceived as weak, getting taken advantage of, getting taken for granted |
| Competition - trying to win the best deal that you can get | Getting the best deal you can get, demonstrating your sense of self-worth | Putting self-interest ahead of the relationship, with the risk of weakening it |
| Confrontation- standing your ground, claiming to be in the right, declaring the other side wrong | Standing up for your principles and values, clarifying differences in perspectives | Alienating others; appearing self-righteous and dogmatic; threatening the relationship; blaming, judging others as inferior, wrong, immoral, etc. |
| Coercion- being “heavy-handed” with applying leverage, using threats and perhaps involving blackmailing or extortion | Getting your way, at least on the particular issue at hand | Expectable deterioration of the relationship, trust and good faith |
| Provocation- escalation of tensions by inflaming the anger of the other | Temporary relief of tension by discharging anger, gaining leverage by getting the other to lose control and act impulsively | Usually an escalation of tension, with greater chance of violence; deterioration of trust and respect, major damage to the relationship |
| Compromise - negotiating for 50 - 50 solutions, meeting int the middle | Give and take, balance of self-interest and care for the other, demonstrating commitment to the relationship by showing willingness to make sacrifices | Possible compromising of ideals, principles and integrity; possibly not getting the best deal available |
| Collaboration - cooperating, working together to get more of what you both want, despite differences | Maximizing gains for both sides, attaininng "win-win" solutions (e.g., a 70-70 or 80-70 solution, rather than just a 50-50 one), strengthening the relationship | Same as compromise, plus lending credibility to a position antithetical to your values, ethics, and principles |
Note that the table lists both advantages and drawbacks for each of the eight interpersonal conflict strategies. That does not mean that they are equally helpful, as certain ones, such as compromise and collaboration, are typically more productive, particularly in the context of an ongoing relationship. The effectiveness of a particular conflict strategy often depends upon the particular situation in which it is used: sometimes you need a saw, and other times you need a hammer.