Further Reflections on my Last Post

In a previous blog about dealing with bullies and bullying, I suggested that Melania Trump upgrade her anti-bullying motto from “Be Best” to “Be our Best.” This subtle change emphasizes our ethical striving to treat others with respect. This meaning contrasts with simply pursuing excellence, as would be implied by “Be the Best.” Omitting that one word (i.e., “our” or “the”), besides being ungrammatical, leaves the intent of the initiative somewhat ambiguous. I suspect that this omission may have been in deference to her husband, who would prefer “Be the Best”, while “Be our Best” would be more fitting. Of course, I may be reading way too much into this choice of phrasing. In any event, I made this suggestion in my belief that this modification is consistent with our First Lady’s intent.

A Message Relevant for Both Children and Adults

I recognize that Melania Trump’s campaign focuses primarily on our youth, while I address the issue in terms of adult-to-adult interactions. On her website,  she writes that “it is our responsibility as adults to educate and reinforce to [children] that when they are using their voices—whether verbally or online—they must choose their words wisely and speak with respect and compassion.” This message has no less relevance for encouraging mutual respect between adults.

The Importance of Being Good Role Models

I heartily endorse the First Lady’s sentiment. I further affirm that we adults must exemplify this lofty aspiration through our own actions. Otherwise, we are telling our children, “Do as I say, not as I do.” This message will then only confirm our hypocrisy and lead our youth to tune us out. I’d propose that our primary means of encouraging respect in our youngsters is through being good role models. This is just one reason that I am addressing the issue as it plays out in adult interactions.

Where to Start?

I initially undertook this blog to address how we might work on our own tendencies to judge, disparage, taunt, coerce, or otherwise bully others. While I came up with some worthy ideas, I was getting stuck with my writing. I then realized that I was preaching to the choir when there was a more pressing issue at hand: how do we deal with Bullies who are committed to their control of others and have no qualms about exercising it? I came to recognize that by focusing on self-improvement (i.e., “Be our Best”), I was neglecting to address the hard core Bullies who set such poor examples for our youth. And yes, I was ignoring the orange “elephant in the room.” Ironic, isn’t it? I was pulling my punches (figuratively speaking) with the Bully-in-Chief, when I had speculated that our First Lady was doing just that with her “Be Best” slogan.

The Focus of This Post

I thus came to recognize that I must first address the art of coping with the bullying of others. For this, we need a good understanding of the problem to deal with it effectively. Next, we must recognize our own susceptibility to being bullied, so that we can inoculate ourselves against this impact. Then, we can develop a strategy for when and how to respond to such instances. Like a good warrior, we need to choose our battles and develop effective tactics, while also being flexible in responding to circumstances. At that point, we should be ready to deal with the bullying, applying appropriate assertiveness skills that we develop through our insight and practice.

What is our Goal?

We have outlined our approach, yet we have not yet identified what we hope to accomplish in our dealing with Bullies. Are we trying to make them change, such as by being more respectful and less controlling? Are we just trying to avoid the unpleasant business of involvement with them? Or is there another worthy goal?

Are We Trying to Change the Bullies?

Although we are focusing on dealing with Bullies, we probably should give up the idea of reforming them. Except for rather unusual circumstances, Bullies do not want to change. Thus, there are at least three good reasons for not trying to change who they are. First, this endeavor would be disrespecting them if they aren’t interested in changing. One of our chief complaints with them is their coercion, so it would be hypocritical for us to try to make them change. Second, our efforts are doomed to failure as long as they are committed to the Bully role. And third, trying to make them change is likely to encourage resistance, resulting in even more bullying. So, unless Bullies are seeking to change and asking for our help, we are better off pursuing another goal with them.

Are We Seeking to Avoid Conflict with Bullies?

That certainly is an option. And if we can do so without giving anything up, then go for it – it’ll be their loss. Yet in most cases, Bullies use verbal abuse and intimidation to get what they want, and avoiding conflict gives them that by default, usually at our expense. And we lose not just what we surrender to the Bully, but also our access to and comfort in the relevant settings. These may include home, family, work, church, gym, club, or favorite social gathering places. Furthermore, our capitulating to the Bullies’ demands only encourages them to use their heavy-handed approach in the future, whether with us or with others they can intimidate.

So, Where Does That Leave Us?

Our goal in dealing with Bullies is to take better care of ourselves and the people we care for, and not so much about the Bullies themselves. We aim to reclaim control over our lives and to regain and maintain our sense of self-worth. We achieve this through self-assertion and “self-inoculation.” We can develop appropriate strategies, techniques, and skills to stand up to Bullies. This is a challenging task, so it helps us to develop a mindset to neutralize the toxic effects of bullying.

What Is Bullying?

First, we need to define our term, so that we are all on the same page. We can define bullying as any act that is harmful to and coercive of others. This obviously includes not only inflicting physical pain and injury, but also threatening such harm or pain to others or their loved ones. Also included is taking of belongings through physical force or threat, blackmail, or extortion. Imposing involuntary servitude, abusing sexually, and depriving freedom and opportunity are other flagrant examples. Bullying can involve inflicting psychological harm, such as through ridicule, taunting, belittling, name-calling, and sarcasm. Harsh criticism and judgmentalism represent somewhat milder versions of bullying. Bribery appears somewhat of a gray area, as this may involve using one’s power and privilege to corrupt another’s value system.

The Bully Role

These various bullying activities do not occur as isolated events. Rather, they typically cluster together into what we can label as the Bully role. For many of us, this role is just one of several we may use in the normal course of social interaction. We do not particularly identify with the Bully role. Rather, we may employ it on particular occasions, such as when challenged or when highly invested in a particular outcome.  

The Bully Personality Style

For some, though, the Bully role is the prominent manner of engaging across a wide variety of interactions. Its principle function is the acquisition of power and dominance.  For the sake of brevity, we will refer to those for whom bullying is the primary role as Bullies. This pursuit may be solely for themselves, or it may serve a larger cause, such as a business, a government, a gang, or a family. Whatever the entity, Bullies personally identify with it and benefit from its power grab. While they may play out secondary roles, such as the Rebel, the Victim, and the Savior, Bullies do not particularly identify with these patterns; rather, they play out these styles to manipulate others in their pursuit of dominance. We can essentially summarize the Bullies’ moral code as “might equals right” and “the ends justifies the means,” with the ends being whatever they want.

Understanding Bullying

As my father always counseled me on my yard chores, you can’t get rid of weeds unless you get them by the roots – otherwise, they just keep growing back. In short, the Bully role serves the goals of consolidating one’s own power and control through discrediting and intimidating others. As noted in my previous blog on this subject, bullying is most prevalent in those lacking in their sense of intrinsic self-worth. This is a basic feeling of value in ourselves just as we are, without having to prove ourselves. Our Declaration of Independence refers to this sort of self-worth in affirming that “all [people] are created equal.” Without this foundation, Bullies seek to establish their self-worth through their dominance over others. This approach goes beyond conditional self-esteem, which simply involves proving oneself better than others by virtue of certain attributes or abilities. Rather, Bullies build themselves up by tearing others down. They apparently don’t believe in fair competition – perhaps out of the fear that they might lose. Also, a sense of entitlement is usually involved, as it provides further justification for the will to dominate. More often than not, though, Bullies need no justification, as they seldom consider their personal impact on others. This is typically related to their general lack of empathy for others.

Understanding Ourselves in Interactions with Bullies

Since we are addressing how we cope with bullying, we need to understand our involvement, including how we can get drawn into the web. To paraphrase the Tao Te Ching, knowing others is intelligence, while knowing ourselves is true wisdom. Besides, in our interactions with Bullies, we can only directly control our own actions, not theirs.

Self-Esteem

Much of susceptibility relates back to our self-esteem. Like Bullies, we may lack a strong sense of our intrinsic or basic self-worth. We just don’t feel good enough just the way we are. While Bullies answer this by dominating others, we might look to others for affirmation. Yet we often don’t exercise good judgment as to whom we trust to evaluate our qualities. For example, if we had critical parents, we might look to others of similar temperament for approval. This can leave us particularly vulnerable to the harsh appraisals of Bullies.

Aversion to Conflict

Another factor that makes us susceptible to Bullies is an aversion to conflict. Granted, there are good reasons to avoid or appease Bullies, as they can impose severe constraints or injury for our resistance. Yet if we habitually avoid conflict, we usually sell ourselves out at a much lower threat level. Bullies often are good at detecting fear, and they readily exploit such vulnerability. This interaction pattern cultivates a Victim role that complements the Bully role, as I have addressed in my various vicious cycle articles.

Compassion for Others

Still others of us get drawn into the fray when we observe Bullies preying on Victims. Incensed by their persecution, we readily jump in to rescue the apparently helpless Victims. We tap into our compassion for the underdog, adopting a “caped-crusader” Rescuer role to save them. This expands the interaction to a three-role vicious cycle, which Steven Karpman identified as the Persecutor—Victim—Rescuer cycle. The Rescuer role actual lends stability to this pattern. For an analogy, consider the tripod, a three-legged support for a camera. You don’t see very many bipods (i.e., two-legged supports) around, do you? They simply lack stability. The same goes for vicious cycles. Unfortunately, such stable cyclical patterns actually function to perpetuate the problems rather than resolving them. I have covered this pattern in some detail in my article, Vicious Cycles in Relationships 2.0.

The Morality Police

A further complication of our compassionate concern occurs when our moral outrage at the Bullies overshadows our caring for the Victims. We are particularly vulnerable to this pull to engage with Bullies when we have a keen sense of justice and fair play. We then tend to assume that our ethical code is universal, applying to ourselves and others. While this moral indignation addresses the Bullies’ mistreatment of Victims, it often prioritizes punishing Bullies over redressing the harm inflicted on Victims. Thus, Victims often end up getting lost in the shuffle.

The Plot Thickens

It’s challenging enough to get caught up in a three-role vicious cycle, such as the Bully—Victim—Rescuer cycle. Yet the situation gets even worse when we add taking on secondary roles into the equation. As we will see, that can lead to the formation of an alternate vicious cycle. Now, for the details . . .

The Rescuer as Critic of Bullies

Our interactions with Bullies get more complicated when we play out secondary roles in our repertoire. While the Rescuer may be our primary role, we often undertake a supportive secondary role as Critic toward Bullies, especially when we have a strong moralistic streak. We do so particularly when we pass judgment on their character, rather than just criticizing their actions. The irony of this shift is that the moralistic Critic is similar to the Bully in being an Oppressor role. Perhaps this is where the term “bully pulpit” comes from. Anyhow, we can take only limited consolation in assuring ourselves that it’s a milder form of oppression.

The Bully’s Gambit as Victim/Rebel

The Rescuers’ Critic role provides Bullies the opportunity to play out their own secondary roles to solidify their dominance. They do so by shifting into a secondary role of Victim, claiming that their rights are being violated. Or they might complain how their character is being maligned. Of course, Bullies aren’t comfortable staying in a Victim role, with its implied powerlessness. They tend to shift into a Rebel role, voicing defiance against their detractors. Such underdog messages find a sympathetic audience among those who feel ignored or discounted. They often feel they don’t have a voice, and they enthusiastically endorse someone who can speak for them.

The Victim as Critic of Bullies

Moral judgment can also play out when we identify as Victims oppressed by Bullies. This follows much the same pattern as with Rescuers, with our taking on the Critic role toward Bullies. With this shift our moral outrage emerges, with that energy available for asserting ourselves. Our blaming Bullies serves to deflect the focus from ourselves, providing cover when we feel particularly vulnerable. As with Rescuers assuming the Critic role, Bullies often respond by playing their own Victim and Rebel cards in appealing to their support base.

An Alternative Vicious Cycle

These shifts into secondary roles set up an alternative vicious cycle – the Rescuer/Victim-as-Critic – Bully-as-Victim/Rebel – Bully’s Loyal Followers. You will note that the roles still designate each participant’s primary role identification, in addition to the secondary role at play in this pattern. This labeling emphasizes that the participants remain true to their core identity, even when taking on a contrasting secondary role. For example, even when adopting the Victim role, Bullies do so as a ploy in their pursuit of domination. For simplicity’s sake, though, we can label the pattern a Critic – Rebel – Rebel’s Entourage.

The Contrasting Vicious Cycles

We thus have two contrasting vicious cycles, with an overlap of participants taking on roles in the two patterns. Each pattern puts a different role in a more positive light. The Bully — Victim — Rescuer cycle favors the righteousness of the Rescuer role, whereas the Critic – Rebel – Rebel’s Entourage cycle favors the Rebel. With these contrasting outlooks, is it any wonder that we end up talking past one another? While this presents an abstract profile of a rather complicated process, we need look no further than the current presidential politics for apt examples. I trust that readers will find sufficient examples to bring these abstract concepts to life.

Breaking Free from the Bully’s Web

It is indeed ironic that our moralistic endeavors to thwart the abusive practices of Bullies may actually serve to promote their cause. Yet such is the nature of vicious cycle patterns. I have explored elsewhere the general challenge of breaking free from vicious cycles. Here, though, we will address the specific case of doing so in dealing with Bullies. In this section we will explore how we can change our perspective to be less susceptible to the Bullies’ “hooks.” Later, we will address actual strategies we might practice. Thus, we are pursuing a two-prong approach of experience and action. (My diagramming of vicious cycle patterns lends itself to such an approach.)

Velcro™ and Teflon™

Whichever of these qualities we may possess, (i.e., conditional self-esteem reliant on external validation, conflict avoidance, compassion for ourselves and others, moralistic judgment), they often draw us into conflict with Bullies. We tend to play out these vicious cycle patterns time and again. As much as we might try to disengage, we often find ourselves drawn back in. We are like the side of Velcro™ with the loops, with Bullies having the side with hooks to snag us. We struggle to break free,  often to no avail. The previous section outlines our various outlooks that predispose us to getting caught up in conflict with Bullies. Now we can explore other available perspectives that offer some relief, if not liberation, from the Bullies’ torment. By retracting our loops, the Bullies have nothing for their hooks to grab onto. Velcro™ hooks are ineffective at snagging Teflon™ – yet we must figure out how to coat our psychological fabric.

Knowing and Valuing Ourselves

Part of the problem may be that we are trying to change the Bully, with little attention to our role in the pattern. This is only natural, as stated in the gospel verse, that it is easier to spot the splinter in another’s eye than to recognize the beam in our own. After all, we can view others directly from many angles, yet we need a mirror to view our bodies with perspective. Mirrors can also cause distortion, whether they be physical mirrors or the social mirrors that others provide by describing how they see us. For this reason, we need to choose wisely whom we trust to give us feedback. And style points count – candid honesty, not brutal honesty.

Working on Self-Esteem

What is at stake is not only how we see ourselves, but also how we value ourselves. Others contribute to this process not only by describing what they see in us, but also by evaluating us. Bullies are usually quick to recognize our shortcomings – and to let us know about them. We should realize that we have the ability to decide for ourselves to whom we grant the authority of approval and disapproval. This option was recently dramatized in a recent observation by Stephan Pastis in Pearls before Swine. We can give Bullies that power, or we can deny them it. 

Using the Challenging Feedback without Assuming Inferiority

Before tuning the Bullies out, we should note that critical feedback can be valuable – even from Bullies. The Tao Te Ching notes that sages consider those who point out their flaws as their cherished teachers. Our adversaries will often tell us what our friends hesitate to mention. We can use that feedback for improving ourselves, even if it was intended to be hurtful. First, though, we need to detoxify the message to make it more palatable.

On Shame and Guilt

Bullies often identify our faults in terms of who we are, with the intent of inducing shame. We have the option, however, of viewing their feedback in terms of our actions – what we did, rather than who we are. While this usually induces guilt, that is not necessarily bad – we can use the feedback for improving our behavior. Keep in mind that it’s easier to change what we do than to change who we are. Furthermore, guilt encourages us to express remorse and make amends, thereby working toward healing any hurt we may have caused others – or ourselves. And as we work at changing our actions, we may well discover that we are gradually changing ourselves.

On Gratitude for the Bullies’ “Presents”

Thus, we should recognize that Bullies may give us valuable presents, however crudely wrapped in shaming and belittling. If we are feeling confident enough in ourselves, we might even thank them for the constructive feedback that we can use to make our actions even more effective! Humility and the ability to acknowledge our shortcomings can be a sign of personal strength, even if Bullies don’t see things that way. Still, a Miranda warning is appropriate here – whatever we say can (and will!) be used against us from the Bullies’ pulpits.

On Being Our Best

In cultivating our sense of self-worth, we need to keep our expectations in order. We don’t need to be the best – it is sufficient to be our best. After all, it’s the best we can do! Besides, except in the rare instance of ties, there is only one first place in any contest. As such, striving to be the best can be a set-up for disappointment. Of course, striving to be the best can motivate us to do better.  Still, we need to accept a lesser outcome, and to be content with our personal best. We should realize that all participants in a contest have value. First place holds little significance without others finishing second, third, and so on. Furthermore, the “also-rans” serve to bring out the best performance in the winner. This is true not only for athletic competition, but also for other endeavors.

Dealing with our own Worst Critic

Bullies would not be nearly as effective in belittling and intimidating us without their having some inside help. Their harsh judgments of us are only effective when they resonate with critical attitudes that we hold toward ourselves. Perhaps the most powerful antidote for external criticism is taming that “inner critic.” This is not that easy, as the critic runs deeper than our intellect – it lives in our gut. It may have even been installed there before we had words to label it. As such, it resides beyond the reach of mere rational challenge.

“Physician, Heal Thyself” – Through Stories

There is a Sufi saying that states that if you want to change a person’s mind, you engage in a rational discourse, but if you want to touch a person’s heart, you tell a story. (If this was written by someone other than “anonymous,” I have lost that information, and would appreciate input that gives that person credit.) I have shared one of my stories, The Man with a Monkey on his Back, which addresses taming the inner critic. Yet perhaps the most potent stories are our own, particularly when they are works in progress.

Allowing Others to Bear Witness

Our stories are most liberating when we have affirming listeners to bear witness to our testimony. It is important for us to choose our audiences wisely, though. Those who can validate our struggles can help us to “exorcise” our inner critics . And when family and friends are not up to this challenge, there are psychotherapists and counselors. With or without such support, this work can put us largely out of reach of the emotional clutches of scornful Bullies.

Facing Up to Conflict

The tendency to avoid conflict is another trait that gives Bullies control over us. If we don’t take a stand with them, they get what they want from us by default. They further develop their skills at bullying, while our self-care atrophies. This does not necessarily mean engaging with them. Refusing to give ground while not responding can be a potent way of taking a stand.

Conflict in Daily Life

Somewhere in his book, The Act of Creation, Arthur Koestler posed the question of when we ever get immersed in a story that does not have some sort of conflict in it. Indeed, plot is usually based on conflict, whether internal, interpersonal, or natural. So how can we get so captivated by conflict in a novel, when we find conflict so aversive in our own lives? Certainly, the threat to our own life, health, and livelihood can be a key factor. This, however, is usually not the case. More often, the conflict involves how we view and value ourselves. In short, we place our “ego” on the line.

Protecting and Boosting our Egos

“Ego” is shorthand for the conditional and relative form of self-worth. It is largely derived from comparing ourselves with others on the basis of our personal qualities. This measure of self-worth is rather transient. As the saying in sales goes, “you are only as good as your last sale.” So, even when we are on top of the world, our positive self-worth is vulnerable to downturns. Thus, we may not be able to fully enjoy our successes due to worries over possible future failures. And if not that, our concern with the quality of our performance may diminish the intrinsic enjoyment of that activity. The negative impact of our concern with performance is perhaps the reason why the Tao Te Ching poses the question, “Success or failure: which is more destructive?” (quoted from Stephen Mitchell’s 1988 translation of the work).

The Ego as our Vulnerable Point

Thus, our egos make us more susceptible to belittling and shaming.  Humiliation often occurs when others note our limitations before we have recognized and admitted them ourselves. And Bullies always seem to be around to expose our shortcomings, thus bringing out our embarrassment and shame.

Humility as an Antidote for Humiliation

We have another option, though – that of practicing humility. We can voluntarily climb down from our pedestal and take our place alongside others on the ground floor. In doing so, we see ourselves struggling with life’s problems and paradoxes, just like everyone else does. Through affirming our intrinsic self-worth, we develop positive regard for all, others as well as ourselves. In this way we can find consolation for our wounds, whether inflicted by Bullies or by the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” With this grounding, we don’t have as far to fall as we do from atop a pedestal. This outlook thus buffers us from the Bullies’ verbal assault, which they may find frustrating.

Further Benefits of Humility

Humility involves accepting our shortcomings, whereas shame and humiliation discourage us from examining our faults. When these errors are simply mistakes, we can learn from them and correct them. In the case of transgressions, we have the added opportunity to express regret and to make amends. By taking such responsibility for our actions, we usually earn the compassion and respect of others. And having a viable support network offers additional protection against Bullies.

Compassion

We have noted how compassion for ourselves helps blunt the impact of Bullies’ scorn. Yet that compassion, when directed toward  the Bullies’ victims, pulls us into conflict with those Bullies. We may find ourselves taking on a Rescuer role of protecting the downtrodden from the Bullies’ abuses. In doing so, we run the risk of taking care of them, when caring for them is called for. This is particularly true when they are capable of fending for themselves. Even when they lack the skills to deal with Bullies effectively, they often can develop those skills. This takes practice, though – and yes, trial-and-error.  Our efforts can thwart those attempts. Instead, our moral support and  coaching can help them to persist in their efforts. Taking this approach expresses our confidence in their ability to stand up to Bullies. Furthermore, our assuming this back-up role challenges us to recognize our limitations.  Here is just another opportunity to practice humility.

For Further Study . . .

In this post, I am devoting considerably less attention to compassion toward others than other complications  in dealing with Bullies. In doing so, I am not minimizing the importance of this factor. Rather, I have addressed this matter in considerably more detail in a previous post. I refer interested readers to Caretaker Burnout and Compassion Fatigue for further study. 

Moral Judgmentalism

Yet another factor that draws us into conflict with Bullies is our concern with their ethics and morality. While the Rescuer or Victim may be our primary role, we often have developed a prominent secondary role of Critic toward Bullies. Here, we can waste much time and energy with our self-righteous moral indignation at Bullies. Furthermore, this approach is often counterproductive: Bullies can actually exploit criticism against them by playing the Victim card, which enlists support among their followers. Gaining a fresh perspective on judgmentalism can help us deal with Bullies more effectively.

A Code of Absolute Values

One sticking point that keeps us locked in conflict can be an adherence to a code of absolute values and rights. We can view our value system as if it were written in stone – meaning that it is timeless, permanent and applicable to the entire world. Yet what happens when these supposedly absolute values conflict with one another? This should be sufficient to keep us in ongoing turmoil, not just with others from different backgrounds, but also within ourselves.

Values in Conflict

 Sometimes these conflicts in values are incidental and depend upon the particular circumstance we are in. Yet there are also particular values that inherently conflict with one another. One example is being vs. becoming (i.e., being fully present in the moment vs. planning for the future). Another is individuality vs. belonging (i.e., being your own person vs. conforming to a group). Yet another is freedom vs. order, as living in an orderly society requires some constraints on freedom. We can refer to such instances as examples of paradox, a topic I have explored in considerable detail in Muddling Down a Middle Path and Living Rationally with Paradox.

Assumption of our Values as Absolute

Even with realizing that at least some of our ethical decisions require reconciliation between competing values, we may still insist that our own moral code applies to others as much as it does to ourselves. In judging others by our own moral standards, we refuse to recognize that others may be committed to value systems in conflict with our own. We will then tend to talk (or SCREAM!) past one another, yet not listen.

Our Values and Nature

Another assumption that sustains our adamant moral judgment of Bullies is an attitude that they are somehow violating a Law of Nature, or at least violating what it means to be human. If we stop to reflect on the rest of the animal kingdom, we will recognize that various species are programmed by their instincts for exercising dominance in matters of food, mating, and territory. We could assert that alpha males (or females) in these species are Bullies, yet we are more likely to excuse them as following the natural order. On the other hand, we can make comparable claims that bonding and cooperation among members of the same species are instinctual and therefore natural. Many, if not most, species demonstrate a balance of competitive and cooperative drives, and homo sapiens is no exception. Our system is less determined by instinct, though, which means that culture plays a greater role in determining this balance between competition and cooperation – hence, our development of social norms, moral codes, and the rule of law.

Our Rights and Social Convention

The fact that social learning plays such a key role in determining our ethics conveys some sense of arbitrariness to our moral codes. While some may interpret this as implying that “anything goes,” a more conservative interpretation is that we need an honest dialogue if we are to sort out our ethical differences. Of course, Bullies are unlikely to pursue this exercise, as it threatens to show their hand. When they do engage in this discussion, we can usually count on hearing lies, half-truths, and various logical fallacies.

Understanding the Bully’s Moral Code 

We can essentially summarize the Bully’s moral code as “Might equals right” and “The ends justifies the means,” with the ends being whatever they want. Thus, attempts at discussions ethics with them would simply be an exercise in futility. Recognizing this can save us much time, energy, and aggravation. Our attempts at persuasion are more likely to be effective when we can convince them that it is in their best interest to heed our requests or demands. Since we are typically in a one-down situation with them, it often is necessary to develop alliances to gain leverage.

The Ongoing Struggle to Get and Keep our Rights

While our American Declaration of Independence stipulates certain unalienable rights, they can still be taken away from us. As a variant of an often cited saying states, “The price of liberty is eternal vigilance,” This goes for other rights and values, such as justice, order, security, free speech, freedom of the press, freedom of worship. We soon recognize that these rights are not free, but may at times come at a rather dear cost.

Freedom Is Not Free (And Neither Is Justice)

If we are only pursuing these rights for our individual selves, we would not be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. After all, what are liberty and the pursuit of happiness worth to us, if we are dead? Sacrificing life and limb only makes sense if we are going to battle for others who are likely to survive the persecution intact and can appreciate these hard-won rights. The fight for the greater good requires an identity that transcends the individual self. With the potentially high cost of challenging Bullies, we need to assess the potential risks to make an informed decision for our rights. (I refer the readers to the Black Box Warning in this post.)

The Value of Struggle in Appreciating our Rights

We value our rights more when we struggle for them than when they are bestowed upon us. Otherwise, we would take them for granted. Furthermore, we often find a purpose or noble cause for our life, especially when joined with others in a common pursuit.

When the Search for Value Goes Awry

Notice that our Declaration of Independence specifies the pursuit of happiness, not the pursuit of wealth and power, as an unalienable right. Those with flawed identity and value systems are unlikely to appreciate this distinction. For example, we have a tendency in this country to conflate wealth with happiness. (While there certainly is a relationship between the two, they are not identical. The strongest correlation is at the lower income and wealth level, which basically states that misery is associated with poverty, more than happiness being associated with wealth.)

Entitlement and the Material World

Along with the pursuit of wealth often comes a sense of entitlement. In contrast to earning our rights through struggle or experiencing gratitude for others’ support, entitlement lessens our appreciation for our position in life. It also serves as justification for getting our due – even if that derives from our accident of birth. And this inequity in the earth’s treasures is compounded when the rich use unfair advantage in amassing their wealth, which I interpret as a form of bullying. It is indeed tragic that the misguided efforts of some to find happiness for themselves result in oppression and poverty for so many. To paraphrase a biblical proverb (Matthew 19:24): “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a wealthy person to find salvation.” I would add that this is as true for our earthly lives as much as it is for any assumed afterlife.

Compassion for Bullies?

Does the preceding portrayal of Bullies as lost souls call out for caring for them? In answering that, I would suggest a problem with showing compassion for their plight before they recognize the error of their ways. They would likely interpret the concern as pity and feel patronized. They might even call us “do-gooders” or “snowflakes.” And they would have a point. I would suggest that it is condescending to express compassion for them without also holding them accountable for their words and deeds. We still can have compassion for them, although this can be quite difficult in the middle of oppression. And we can still advocate effectively for ourselves while feeling compassionate – Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. have demonstrated that. And the Tao Te Ching reframes the battle of good and evil more in terms of wisdom and ignorance: ‘What is a good man but a bad man’s teacher? And what is a bad man but a good man’s project?” (Stephen Mitchell’s translation, 1988)

What to Do with our Feelings

Addressing how we deal with Bullies would be incomplete without discussing how we handle our feelings. Bullies know just how to push our emotional buttons. We need to decide whether to let them hijack our controls, or whether we take charge of them ourselves. We also need to recognize that emphasizing rationality and reason often leads to suppressing our feelings, when we need to process and integrate them, so we can channel that energy into effective action. Thus, we can use some exploration into how to accomplish this.

Feelings as Motivation to Action

Feelings motivate us to engage in our personal world, in one way or another. In fact, “emotion” and “move” share the same Latin root, movere, to move. Our feelings can be our friends – even our unpleasant ones. Yet they can also work on us, which often turns out to work against us. Still, we can take responsibility for our feelings, so that they can work for us.

Some Background – Where our Feelings Move Us

Our various emotions generally move us in different directions in relation to the object of our concerns – toward, away, or against. The love/caring cluster draws us toward people, to engage with them. The annoyance/anger cluster also pulls us toward others, yet against rather than with them. Depending on the intensity of the anger, it may come out as assertion or aggression. The anxiety/fear cluster moves us away from those people or events which threaten us. Such avoidance, also called the flight response, helps to escape dangerous situations, but may also lead to missing out on opportunities. We can resign ourselves to unconditional surrender, or we can use a strategic retreat to plan out our tactics to engage. The sadness/despair cluster is somewhat an exception to the “moving” aspect of emotions, as such feelings often immobilize us. This allows us the opportunity to grieve over our losses, yet also runs the risk of sinking us into a quagmire of depression.

When Feelings Are in Conflict – or Not

Encountering Bullies usually challenges us with conflicting feelings related to the various events and issues (e.g., finances, work, classes, outings, and social networks) that are jeopardized by the bullying. We may not have conflicting feelings toward the Bullies (e.g., we may totally detest them), but we may find appealing whatever or whoever the Bully is preventing us from pursuing. This is the approach-avoidance conflict. And if this isn’t the case? Then no conflict, no problem, case closed. We can avoid the Bully without giving anything up. Otherwise, and as usually is the case, we have some feelings to sort out.

The Hazard of Acting on Impulse

If we don’t care to process our feelings, then we can always act on impulse – “shoot (our mouth off) first, ask questions later.” The feelings come out raw, not refined. Going off half-cocked usually doesn’t work out so well, as suggested by the common phrase, “impotent rage.” We’ve also heard the phrase, “so mad we can’t see straight,” which can also be applied to other intense feelings. When this occurs, the Bully has succeeded in pushing our buttons. Advantage – Bully. In most cases, we can take the opportunity to settle down and put things into perspective, even if we need to say, “Let me get back to you on that,” or something to that effect.

The Exception: The Fight or Flight Emergency

Of course, there is one situation when acting on impulse or instinct can pay off. That occurs when we encounter life-or-death crisis situations, and speed is of the essence. These are occasions when the fight-or-flight response is called for – immediate action, no equivocating. Fortunately, most encounters with Bullies are not such dire emergencies, and we have the opportunity to deliberate – that is, if we claim it, as Bullies often expect immediate responses.

Refining our Raw Anger

In less critical situations, we have another option – that of sorting through the various feelings evoked by Bullies. With our task of gaining perspective on our interactions with Bullies, addressed earlier in this article, we come to recognize that we run the gamut of attitudes and feelings, from anxiety to hopelessness to anger, and perhaps even a bit of adventure. This exploration can be analogous to forging an alloy of steel from iron and carbon, with the tempering process giving us strength, resiliency, hardness, flexibility, and resistance to corrosion. All these qualities are useful not just in dealing with Bullies, but also in confronting other types of stress of daily life. We are able to harness what is often a destructive force to use it constructively. We can apply this energy, not toward subjugating and vanquishing our adversaries, as Bullies are prone to do, but toward affirming our values and rights.

Making Lemonade and Delving into Life’s Paradoxes

Earlier in this section, we considered various perspectives that help us to view the challenges we face as less foreboding, and perhaps even as opportunities. Yes, it’s the old saying about learning to make lemonade, when life hands you a bowl of lemons. Another way of saying this is by asserting that conflict is not only normal, but healthy, as I proposed at the beginning of my article, Dealing with Conflict in Relationships: the Art of Assertiveness. This thesis basically states that conflict is the medium through which we strike a balance between self-concern and caring for others, and between individuality and belonging, among various other paradoxical dualities. While such an approach defies our striving for simple, straightforward answers to life’s problems, it opens the door to life’s mysteries. All I can say is “Life’s a trip – enjoy the ride.”

 Summary: Changing our Perspective

So far we have identified various factors that draw us into conflict with Bullies: an insecure sense of self-worth, vulnerable to insults and intimidation; an aversion to conflict; a compassion for others, with a dose of the caped-crusader syndrome; and moralistic judgmentalism. We have explored alternative attitudes and outlooks which can loosen the grip that these concerns have on us. These perspectives help us to be less emotionally reactive to us less susceptible to the Bullies’ provocations. Hopefully, the rationale for these positions is sufficiently compelling to practice. Yes, they do require practice, as our default settings likely started early, perhaps even before we had words for them. By doing the detective work to recognize where our troubling outlooks originated, we can understand how we became vulnerable to the Bullies’ oppression. This can help us to be more self-accepting, which enables us to envision better stories for ourselves – ones that break the bonds of the oppressive Bullies – both internal and external.

Assertiveness: Putting Self-Acceptance into Action

Thus far, this article has focused on the internal changes which we can cultivate to limit the control that Bullies have over us. Indeed, a healthy self-affirming perspective can inoculate us against the Bullies’ demeaning words and actions. Still, there are situations when Bullies are able to manipulate our environment in a way that unfairly limits our possibilities or causes undue hardship. Such occasions call out for more than just attitude adjustment. A healthy perspective can often save us some grief, but it does not tackle the source of the problem – at least not the external source. Taking action is where “the rubber meets the road.” This is where developing our assertiveness skills and strategies come into play.

Assertion with Bullies

Bullies are not going to stop bullying just because we ask them to. In fact, they are just as likely to take such a request or demand as a challenge and escalate their bullying. So, we have to approach them in a way that they will take seriously, which means being assertive. There are plenty of resources for assertiveness, with my post, Dealing with Conflict in Relationships: the Art of Assertiveness, among them. These works typically recommend steps of stating the problem, describing how it affects us, asserting what we want from the other, and perhaps proposing the incentives for making this change. While this approach is sound for trustworthy relationships, it requires some modification to be effective with Bullies.

Identifying the Problem

The first step of asserting ourselves with Bullies is stating what the problem is. It is important to focus on the current situation and to specify their actions and speech that we find objectionable. It can be tempting to recite a litany of prior examples, yet this often invites their defense and counter-attack (e.g., “But you . . .”). At least let them ask “When have I ever . . . ?” before offering past examples. Also, focus on their actions, not on who they are. This means resisting the urge to label them. Responding in kind not only escalates tension, but also undermines our personal authority. Even when the Bully disrespects this stance, we still maintain our self-respect.

Resisting the Urge to Attack the Bullies’ Character

It is worthwhile here to address the rationale behind focusing on the Bullies’ speech and actions, rather than on their character. As we have addressed earlier in this article, attacking the character of Bullies is similar to bullying, though, granted, a milder version than their intimidation, threats, or ridicule. As such, it allows them to play a mixed role of Victim and Rebel, allowing them to complain about being maligned or mistreated. With this ploy they appeal to a wide following among others who feel ignored or discounted. Even while playing the Victim role, Bullies stay true to their pursuit of power and domination, and enlisting a sympathetic following serves that cause. Thus, character assassination may play into their hands and actually serve to promote their cause.

“Just the Facts, Ma’am”

Words and deeds are directly verifiable, particularly in this era of social media. They are thus less likely to be in dispute than character, which requires making inferences about values, motivations, and intentions. And what do we base such speculations on? On what we have direct access to – the Bully’s words and deeds! We are generally better off addressing the Bullies’ public behavior and avoiding the inevitable debate about the intentions in their heart that come with character analysis. This leaves us free to explore the impact of their bullying on their Victims, which is the focus of the next step in self-assertion. This focus also sets us up for the following step, which is to make our request or demand for change.

Identifying the Problem’s Impact on Us

The next step involves identifying why the Bullies’ behaviors are problems for us – we need to own our complaints by addressing their impact on us. With their disregard for respect and safety, it would be rather naïve for us to trust Bullies with our personal feelings. This is particularly true for feelings of hurt and anxiety, which Bullies are likely to interpret as weaknesses to exploit. They would have us for lunch – as the main course, not as guests! For this reason, we may prefer to identify their problematic behavior without drawing attention to our feelings. Instead, we might note how the Bullies are interfering with our plans and activities.

Now Is Not the Time to Be Vulnerable

We should note that focusing on our own feelings feeds into the Bully’s offensive posture, whereas addressing their problematic behaviors puts them on the defensive. For this reason, it can be more effective to label their behavior as annoying, irritating, presumptuous, etc., thus addressing our feelings only indirectly, by stating their behavior’s emotional impact. For example, we might share how we find the Bullies’ actions or speech annoying, irritating, demeaning, or simply distracting. Here, we are putting the accent on the quality of their behavior, not on our feelings. Note that we are still addressing their speech and actions, rather than disparaging their character. Also observe that these adjectives present our feelings as being at the fight end of the fight-or-flight responses to threat, thus discouraging them from seeing us as weak. This is not the time to be vulnerable and expose our jugular. Lacking in empathy, Bullies will offer no conciliatory words – unless heavily spiced with sarcasm. This version of stating the Bullies’ impact on us has the added advantage of keeping the focus on their problematic behavior, rather than inviting them to focus on us.

Requesting Change

Much of the advice for identifying the problem also applies to making our request for change: focus on the Bullies’ behavior, not their character; and limit the request to specific current behavior, rather than bringing up past grievances. In addressing behavior, we appeal to their guilt for what they did or didn’t do; in focusing on character, we call for their shame for who they are. They can usually change how they act and speak on the spot, while changing who they are takes a lot longer, even if they wanted to. We need to be specific and focus on how they treat us, not on how they treat everyone. If the Bully role is particularly prominent for them, they’ll get similar feedback from others.

Asking for What We Need and Want

We’re better off focusing our requests on what we need and want, not on what the Bully deserves. Unless we hold some authoritative position, it is not our place to dispense justice or mete out punishment. On the other hand, we have a right to reparation for damages incurred. For our own sake, we should heed the advice of the civil rights song, to “keep our eyes on the prize.” We need to look out for ourselves, rather than trying to makeover, reform, or take down the Bullies. We can ask for compensation for damages, a retraction and cessation of threats, and even an apology.  

The Issue of an Apology

We need to limit our expectations to observable speech and action, and not insist on the purity of their intentions, such as sincere remorse. It can be helpful to keep in mind the reputed motto of Eddie Haskell, of Leave It to Beaver fame: “Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but sincerity is next to impossible. That’s why we have etiquette.” Bullies may simply go through the motions of an apology, or they might lace it with a dose of sarcasm. In either case, it is probably better to treat it as an expression of genuine remorse. This actually sets up a dilemma for them – do they accept the one-down position of being interpreted as having made a meaningful apology, or do they blow their cover by admitting their insincerity? It is a “lose—lose” situation for them – with the possible consolation prize that they might learn a lesson from their experience.

Stipulating Consequences

Bullies are hardly inclined to honor our requests or demands just because we ask them to. Their decisions are generally based on their own interests, not according to the needs and wants of others. In considering the consequences, we need to assess our leverage: what do we have as incentives, whether rewards or punishment?

Rewards

In considering rewards, we need to consider what we can offer them that doesn’t cost us much. If we pay a significant price, we are practicing appeasement, which will only encourage further bullying. While we may catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, our intangible rewards may not be all that effective with Bullies. With their having disparaged us, they may not see our respect or concern for them as being of much value. The promise of “warm fuzzies” is hardly a reward for them. Even if secretly desired, Bullies would not admit it, least of all in front of their entourage of supporters. It is much safer for them to continue demanding our subservience.

Punishment

Our threats of negative consequences for continued disrespect and abuse are unlikely to be very effective, either. We may have limited leverage with Bullies, as they often want little more from us than to be the hapless targets of their abuse. In this case, it can be more effective to simply ignoring them while going about our usual business. Their failure to gain our submission would challenge their self-image of dominance, which could discourage them from calling us out the next time. We could show them personal respect by addressing their disrespect toward us in private. We could have to wait for this opportunity, with this delay diminishing the impact of our feedback. Furthermore, this gesture is of doubtful use, as Bullies likely would interpret this as a weak response. Still, it can be an expression of common courtesy that would undercut any future claim of being blindsided when we call them out publicly the next time – they can’t say they weren’t warned. Of course, if there isn’t a next time, then either they heeded our request or the instance had been a one-shot occurrence, not enough cause to embarrass them over.

Follow-through on Incentives

Whether offered rewards for honoring our requests or threatened with punishment for ignoring them, Bullies are unlikely to take such incentives seriously. For them, action speaks louder than words, and they usually need to experience the actual consequences to learn to curb their disrespect and abuse. Bullies are likely to interpret our “warning shots across the bow” as idle threats, at least until they experience a direct hit. Since Bullies often want little more from us than to submit to their dominance, the limited leverage we have is in maintaining our poise and self-respect under fire. This standing our ground and refusal either to submit or to respond in kind undermines their attempt to bolster their self-esteem by lowering ours. Eventually, they may learn to look elsewhere.

Calling in the Cavalry

Individually, we may have limited leverage with Bullies, yet there is strength in numbers. Their belittling, intimidation, and abuse do not occur in a vacuum. Bullies work to project power and control so that their followers will validate their self-worth. Their subjugation of others would serve little purpose without an audience to provide that affirmation. By the same token, as targets of their abuse, we can enhance our leverage with Bullies by recruiting onlookers to our cause. In addition to uniting with others in similar plights, we can often gain the support of self-described independents and neutral observers. We can perhaps best achieve this by refusing to respond to Bullies in kind and by conducting ourselves with resolute dignity. While this style is unlikely to win over the Bullies’ ardent fans, it’s unlikely to incite their ridicule or contempt or to arouse their self-righteous indignation. And there’s a chance of earning some respect among their more tepid followers. Yet our greatest leverage may come from filing a grievance with the appropriate officials, such as the police, court system, employer, or human resource officer.  Of course, this only works when Bullies have violated some law, policy, or protocol, and when clear documentation is available. Another important condition is that the official has authority over the Bully. This cannot be taken for granted, as some whistleblowers in our government’s executive branch have found out the hard way.

Brevity, but with Persistence

With assertion with Bullies, brevity tends to works better. Lengthier explanations are more likely to come across as tentative, deferential, and even apologetic. Skillful Bullies know how to exploit this. It is better to save any processing of the interaction for later, after the Bully has honored our request, if at all. In this way, we indicate to the Bully through our actions that we will not tolerate disrespectful or abusive treatment. If Bullies do shed their default role and act respectfully, don’t expect this to last. It can be all too easy for them to slip back into character. If this role has become habitual, they may not even realize it. Like the rest of us, Bullies are rarely one-trial learners. They need reminders to help them remain respectful and nonthreatening toward others. And we need reminders that maintaining our freedom and fair treatment requires eternal vigilance.

Negotiating with Bullies

Bullies’ use of intimidation creates a duress that diminishes our ability to consent. As I addressed in my previous post, Dealing with Conflict in Relationships: The Art of Assertiveness, conflict resolution requires safety and respect. As we have defined bullying, these two qualities are lacking. While I am no lawyer, my understanding is that for a contract to be legally binding, it must be freely entered into by all parties – meaning no undue duress. That being said, there can be a fine line between using leverage and exerting duress – and a blurry one, at that. Thus, negotiation recommends caution, such as clarifying the terms of the agreement and documenting any coercive pressure.

Conditions for Beneficial Negotiation

With these precautions, we still might benefit from some sort of détente with Bullies. We might strike a truce when we are not at risk of physical harm, when we have the leverage to hold them accountable for their part of the bargain, when we are prepared to tolerate their potential retribution, and when we are relatively impervious to their insults and threats. While not optimal, this may allow us to maintain our self-respect and relative comfort without having to abandon our activities and social networks. This measure certainly requires mental discipline and good assertiveness skills – which we can cultivate in part through practicing negotiation.

A Business Transaction, not a Relationship

It is helpful to distinguish two components of negotiations, the transaction and the relationship. While social interactions usually involve both these features, the Bully’s style is predominantly transactional, with little, if any, room for caring or concern for others. In bargaining with Bullies, we need to treat it as a business transaction, not as a relationship. Bullying conveys the Bullies’ basic lack of empathy for others. Any display of concern is typically only a ploy to gain the trust of the other, in order to achieve a more favorable outcome. Thus, it is best for us to “play our hands with our cards close to our vests,” (i.e., keep our feelings, intentions, and tactics to ourselves).

Some Tips for Bargaining

Attempts at discussing ethics with Bullies would simply be an exercise in futility. Recognizing this can save us much time, energy, and aggravation. Our attempts at persuasion are more likely to be effective when we can convince them that it is in their best interest to heed our requests or demands. Since we are typically in a one-down situation with them, we often have little leverage – it is here that developing alliances comes into play.

Holding Bullies Accountable

Bargaining works better in some situations than in others. Obviously, it is better to have leverage than not. If we don’t negotiate out of strength, our agreement may end up only a matter of appeasement.  We might ask ourselves what pressure we can exert for Bullies to live up to their side of the agreement. Here, witnesses can play an important role, and how we comport ourselves can sway this informal jury. Also, a contract is enforceable only to the degree that the terms are clear and verifiable. This suggests specifying actions, rather than focusing on attitudes or intentions. It should be noted that some Bullies are notorious weasels who will use any excuse not to honor their agreements. With this in mind, we may want them to demonstrate good faith by honoring their part of the agreement before committing ourselves to our part. Furthermore, we probably should not agree to conditions we cannot readily reverse, if and when they renege on their concessions.

Benefits of Negotiation

Negotiation presents an opportunity to get some of what we want, when we are unable to attain it all. It also presents an opportunity for us to practice our communication and assertiveness skills. Furthermore, we can serve as role-models for others in similar situations. We also make a statement about our self-worth through our willingness to take a stand for ourselves.

R – E – S – P – E – C – T

Our advocating for ourselves is a way of commanding respect for ourselves. Even if this doesn’t make an impression on the Bullies, it may garner support and respect from those witnessing the bargaining, perhaps even among some of their base of support. And if the respect doesn’t come from outside ourselves, we are claiming our self-respect. As noted by Jeff Burns, a former colleague of mine who is no longer with us, respect does not come from others – rather, it is a gift we bestow upon ourselves. And  we do so through the manner in which we conduct ourselves.

Practice Makes Better, Though Not Perfect

Having a healthy outlook and a readiness to assert ourselves with Bullies is necessary, but not sufficient, for dealing with Bullies effectively.  We also need to develop our communication and negotiation skills for this process. As I stated in my article on conflict, assertiveness is an art, not a science. As such, it requires practice to develop the necessary skills to be effective at it. We can do some role playing with friends and allies, who can also coach us and give us valuable feedback to improve our approach. Also we have the option of a “dress rehearsal” when an actual Bully is being disrespectful, yet when there is nothing significant at stake. Such exercises can serve not only to develop specific assertiveness techniques, but also to desensitize us to the  provocations that Bullies use to knock us off-balance.

A Caution about Role Playing

While such exercises can help us develop specific assertiveness techniques, they can also trigger  unhealthy emotional reactions. It’s bad enough that Bullies disrupt our equilibrium in their presence, but they don’t have to be present to cause distress. Our planning and practice leads us to worry about anticipated future encounters and  to replay distressing past ones . Thus, we could be intensifying the very feelings that disrupt our ability to assert ourselves effectively. Among other potential pitfalls, we could end up coming across aggressively, rather than assertively. The challenge is to prepare for the Bullies’ predictable provocations without traumatizing ourselves in the process. This dilemma calls for us to work at cultivating a healthy mindset, which we addressed in the section, “Breaking Free of the Bullies’ Web,” while simultaneously practicing assertiveness skills.  

The Still Eye of the Hurricane

This poses quite a daunting challenge, somewhat akin to staying in the still eye of a hurricane. This is a rather apt metaphor for navigating in vicious cycles, which are practically inevitable when dealing with Bullies. And although the Tao Te Ching does not specifically refer to vicious cycles, it counsels us to stay in the center and let things around us run their course. This counsel suggests a policy of passivity in the face of Bullying, yet this should not be confused with capitulation. Passive resistance can be a powerful force. Gandhi’s campaigns around salt and textiles spearheaded India’s  path to independence. The American civil rights movement employed sit-ins and boycotts to challenge segregation.

Achieving Calm amidst Conflict with Bullies

The eye of a hurricane serves as an apt symbol for dealing with Bullies. Still, we are confronted with the challenge of putting this image into practice. Some of us  who meditate equate mindfulness with peace, harmony, and unity. From this perspective,  conflict is viewed as a disruption, even of the natural order. Cartoonists often caricature this outlook as a yogi sitting on a remote mountaintop, periodically visited by Westerners seeking the meaning of life. A contrasting view affirms that conflict is a normal and healthy part of life, as I presented in Dealing with Conflict in Relationships. Can there two contrasting perspectives be reconciled, and if so, how?

An Alternative View: A Paradox of Being and Doing

One option is to view this dilemma of stillness and activity as yet another of life’s paradoxes, somewhat akin to engagement and detachment, belonging and individuality, and being and doing. As I noted in Muddling down a Middle Path: Wading through the Messiness of Life, these dualities consist of opposing tensions, which we can strive to balance. Two perspectives, previously addressed in this article, can be helpful here. First, we can work to keep our egos out of the equation. And second, we can remind ourselves that we don’t have the corner on the Absolute Truth. Practicing these two outlooks can help us to keep centered while still actively participating in life’s drama.

Questioning our own Outlooks

In applying this to the challenge of dealing with Bullies, we can monitor our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes as we learn and practice assertiveness skills and strategies. For instance, do we see Bullies as our enemies, or perhaps as wounded individuals who can do little better than afflicting others to escape their own pain? And do we view their insults as reflecting on our self-worth, or perhaps as a projection of their own self-doubt and insecurities? These and other challenges to our conventional perspectives can go a long way toward restoring our serenity without surrendering to Bullying.

Navigating Previously Blazed Trails

Fortunately, we don’t have to blaze a new trail in our pursuit. We have at least two disciplines that address both the experience and the activity of their craft – method acting and the martial arts. Both of these disciplines involve a total experiential immersion in their subject and a more detached reflection on their skill set – a melding of subjective and objective, or of being and doing. (My doctoral dissertation involved exploring a similar process in the development of a personal identity.) At this point, I will save this more esoteric detour until a later article, and return to a two examples. The first, the practice of method acting, is presented by Constantin Stanislavski in An Actor Prepares (which, by the way, was required reading in one of my graduate clinical psychology courses). We can apply this approach as we prepare for our role in taking on Bullies – perhaps we can draw inspiration from movies that document the rise and fall of demagogues, such as Citizen Kane or All the King’s Men. The second example, the practice of the martial arts, requires some extrapolation of methods of physical combat to the realm of verbal sparring. I address this application later in this article. And then there is the Buddhist tradition, with Zen and the Art of Archery, followed by applications in other arts. Whichever of these systems we wish to adapt, they can perform the triple functions of cultivating a healthy perspective on conflict, integrating and tempering our feelings, and developing our assertiveness skills. 

Strategy Counts

While self-assertion is perhaps the primary method for challenging Bullies, we need to use it wisely. Strategy counts, not just in physical conflict such as wars, but also in verbal disagreements. We can apply some strategies from battles to our dealing with Bullies. Another source of guidance is gambling. As Kenny Rogers noted in “The Gambler,” we need to learn to play our cards right, to “know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, know when to run.” This perspective suggests the importance of doing a cost-benefit analysis, and one that recognizes that costs cannot be determined ahead of time, but only estimated. Since some Bullies can be quite ruthless and vindictive, we need to exercise caution in those cases. For this reason, I am including a “black box” warning that such assertive moves can be hazardous to our health and well-being.

Black Box Warning – Bullying

One Battle at a Time

When Bullies gives us openings through their abusive words and actions, we may be tempted to resolve a backlog of grievances all in one fell blow. It’s understandable that we would want to resolve an ongoing tension once and for all, but that’s not how it works. We humans are creatures of habit, such that one-trial learning is the exception, not the rule. We can pretty much count on having to revisit an issue again – and again. Bringing up past instances may build a case for our complaints, but it often develops cognitive overload – too much information to process effectively. Furthermore, Bullies are more likely to become defensive, or even redouble their abusive actions in the face of a full frontal challenge. An effective strategy requires patience and perseverance. Not to worry – there likely will be future opportunities to make our case, one skirmish at a time. And if by some fluke there aren’t any further instances, then the issue has in effect been resolved.

Wait for an Attack, but Be Prepared

When we understand that Bullies’ abuse is a matter of when, not just if, we often experience chronic stress, wondering when the other shoe will fall. It is quite natural to want relief as our tension mounts, such that we are tempted to call out the Bully, out of the blue. While this proactive move might give us some advantage in planning out our strategy, it opens us up to counterattack. (Our president apparently takes great pride in his skill as a counter-puncher.) Well-practiced Bullies can challenge this move by asking what they were just doing for us to bring this up. They can challenge our courage by asking why we hadn’t mentioned this before. Or they may accuse us of being overly sensitive and suggest that we just get over it. These charges are more easily deflected when we can focus on the Bullies’ current behavior as evidence of their disrespect and intimidation.

Applying Martial Arts to Verbal Confrontation

Principles of physical combat, particularly the martial arts, can be applied to verbal confrontations with Bullies. Occupying the higher ground offers an advantage, and in verbal disputes this means adhering to higher ethical principles, such as showing respect to others. This may make little difference to the Bullies themselves, who might view such self-restraint as weakness. On the other hand, this approach can earn respect from bystanders and potential allies, while diffusing opposition from the Bullies’ loyal followers.

The Best Offense is a Good Defense

Martial arts practitioners also recognize the advantage afforded by a defensive posture, with the recognition that we become off-balance when in attack mode. The Tao Te Ching cautions against making the first move and notes that it is often advantageous to give ground rather than trying to take it. This is consistent with a key principle of martial arts, which is to take the adversaries’ momentum and use it against them. Since a key goal in dealing with Bullies is simply to stand our ground, we offer Bullies no momentum to use against us. When we veer off course, such as with the primary goal of knocking the Bully down a peg or two, we can lose our balance and become more vulnerable to attack. Thus, when we are emotionally balanced and grounded, we are better able to stand our ground and to deflect the Bullies’ attacks.

“The Pen Is Mightier than the Sword”

Martial arts strategies are addressed primarily in terms of physical combat, yet the same principles apply to verbal jousting. It probably requires as much skill, if not more, to be effective in verbal sparring. The saying that “the pen is mightier than the sword” applies just as well to the spoken word as to the written word. Speech is generally more potent in its immediacy and nonverbal components, yet has the additional challenge of “thinking on our feet.” Thus, we need to be knowledgeable about the particular issues at stake when Bullies assert their entitlements and discredit the rights of others.

Taking our Arguments to Others

Since Bullies themselves are generally not swayed by logical discourse, attempts to reason with them are often futile. Yet they do not hold all the keys to power, and we can make our appeals to others who have authority. Take demagogues in government, for example. In a democracy with free speech and free press, the citizenry serves as the judge and jury when elections roll around. In this case, our oratorical skills may influence Bullies only indirectly, through compelling arguments to their constituents. In dictatorships, though, such leverage is usually lacking.

A Web of Bullying in the Real World

Of course, in the real world, the situation is not so cut and dried. Bullies and their cronies may be able to stack the deck through various backdoor strategies, such as voter suppression, gerrymandering, dark money political contributions, and political dirty tricks. All of this should serve as a reminder that liberty, and all our other rights, require eternal vigilance. This insight suggests the need for a comprehensive war strategy, rather than ad hoc battle plans for skirmishes.

The Power of Symbolism

Although we are promoting verbal skills, we are not focused narrowly on logical reasoning. Bullies certainly don’t. Their language is more that of action and emotion than of thought. Those who depend on the fervent loyalty of their base are adept at using evocative images and symbols and emotionally-charged terms to sway their following.

Wall vs. Bridge

President Trump has been highly effective in using the symbol of a wall to drive home his “us vs. them” message of division. Logical arguments go only so far in countering such campaigns. As chance (or fate? karma?) has it, the graphic images of 9 minutes and 47 seconds of George Floyd’s strangulation under the knee of a Minneapolis police officer trumped his message. In contrast to Trump’s wall, the public outrage built a bridge that connected Americans across a racial divide.

Assertiveness Skills for Dealing with Bullies 1.0

It would be a monumental task to develop an assertiveness skills training manual for dealing with Bullies – there just are too many situations to cover. I know some must be out there, so I’m not going to reinvent the wheel. Still, I’m not aware of any such program based on a perspective of paradoxical conflict of values, as I have outlined on my website. Logic is not the Bullies’ strength, nor is tolerance for ambiguity. I would affirm that Bullies tend to be dogmatic in their beliefs and values, with their generally assuming black-or-white, all-or-none positions on issues. Within this frame of reference, though, it should not be too difficult to challenge Bullies by presenting situations in which their supposedly universal and absolute values are in conflict with one another. We have touched on some of these perspectives in the previous section on breaking free from the clutches of Bullies.

OK, an Example of Such a Conflict

Perhaps an example will illustrate this process. First, we want to posit that it is quite natural for parents to want what’s best for their children. For the affluent and well-connected, this might involve financial support and pulling strings (e.g., college legacy admissions for children of alumni) to get their children into prestigious colleges. Or it might involve setting up a trust and other financial arrangements so that their children’s inheritance is not significantly reduced by estate taxes upon their deaths. If we step back and examine these measures on a social or cultural level, we can recognize how the passing of wealth and privilege from one generation to the next plays a major role in perpetuating the disparity of opportunity between different socio-economic, racial, and ethnic groups. This is reflected in the dramatic contrast in savings between blacks and whites. What began as the cruel yoke of slavery, and then morphed into the discrimination posed by segregation, Jim Crow laws, and redlining in real estate and finance, can now be perpetuated through apparently innocent and subtle mechanisms supporting white privilege. I doubt that this example would cause any Bullies or their followers to lose sleep, yet it highlights the complexity of an issue for those privileged whites who endorse a social justice ethic. Still, we can seek out and find comparable examples of conflicting values relevant to Bullies and their followers.

A Call to Arms (Metaphorically Speaking)

I might challenge interested readers to identify specific values, beliefs, attitudes, or expectations espoused by Bullies they have known, whether in person or in the media. Then, consider the possible conflicts among these various features. Next, imagine how you might counter such messages in addressing the Bullies’ own value system. Finally, you might articulate your insight to others – perhaps in a letter to the editor of the local paper, in the case of an overbearing politician. This challenge provides the readers with an opportunity to practice applying the martial arts verbally, by using the adversaries’ momentum against them. I grant that this assignment would be a real challenge, but one that can help us in applying this model to actual real-life situations.

If you decide to take up this challenge, it might be helpful to review my two articles related to inherently opposing values, Living Rationally with Paradox and Muddling down a Middle Path. I imagine that some might accuse me of sheer laziness in palming this task off onto my readers. I would counter that such an assignment makes this article more of an interactive exercise, thus enhancing its educative potential for the participants. Besides, I don’t want to get too much of a head start on others pursuing this quest. Well, at least that’s my rationalization. At any rate, I’d welcome receiving such examples, that I might post on my website. Perhaps this has the possibility of developing some sort of workbook. At your request, I can either give you credit for your examples or preserve your anonymity. If you choose the latter, keep in mind that I would be getting credit for your contribution by default. You can be comforted by my assurance that plagiarism, not imitation, is the highest form of flattery.

Maintaining our Inner Balance

Keeping our poise in the presence of Bullies who have disrespected and intimidated us is a real challenge. They have a knack for pushing our buttons, such that we may get “so mad we can’t see straight.” Or we may fall under the spell of some other discombobulating feelings. This is where our practice at tolerating tension comes into play. With sufficient practice, we can find that stillness in the eye of the storm. We can learn to temper and channel our emotions so that they work for us, not on us.

Practicing Self-care

As we covered in “Breaking Free of the Bully’s Web,” we can cultivate a positive perspective on our challenges and ourselves. Enhancing self-esteem, facing conflict, having compassion for self and others, and being less judgmental all require ongoing effort. It is all too easy to fall back into old habits. Practicing meditation helps quiet the emotional storm, whether caused by real-time bullying, past memories, or worries about the future. Focusing our attention on the “here and now” can help with this.

Processing our Feelings

We can use supportive friends and allies as sounding boards. They can help us process our feelings, as I have addressed in Baring your Soul, Bearing your Feelings.  On the other  hand, avoiding conflict and numbing our feelings with addictions and distractions interfere with this process. While a strategic retreat can help prepare us for the Bully’s next move, we should avoid making it an unconditional surrender.

 Choosing our Battles

We don’t have to confront every single Bully who insults, threatens or harms us, any more than an army engages the enemy at every opportunity. Bill Amend has aptly illustrated this point in Fox Trot, as well as commenting on our tendency  for knee-jerk reactions to provocations. We can choose our battles, based on the criteria of what we have at stake, of our chances of prevailing, and of the severity and likelihood of a negative outcome. To accomplish this, we need to stifle our initial reflex.

Insult or Injury?

We should choose to go into battle when we have something tangible at stake, rather than it simply being an affront to our ego. The phrase “insult or injury?” can be a helpful mantra for asking ourselves if we are responding to a tangible loss or injury, or if we are reacting to an insult. If it is mainly an insult, this suggests that we are allowing Bullies to judge our worthiness by how they treat us. In this case, simply ignoring the insult may command more respect that addressing it. If a bystander would judge us harshly for not defending ourselves from a spurious insult, would we really value their opinion?

The Larger Social Context

We should recognize that it would be folly to ignore the larger social context of bullying. We are likely not alone in enduring the oppression of any single Bully. If they have practiced the Bully role sufficiently such that it defines who they are, then they probably have had numerous victims over the course of their career. And unless they are the occasional “lone wolf” Bullies, then they probably have their cadres of supporters. It appears rather unlikely that we will make any in-roads with hard-core Bullies, especially on our own. We stand a better chance at eroding away their power base of supporters, particularly if we run a smart, coordinated campaign with our allies.

The Bully’s Victim-Rebel Ploy

We have mainly addressed bullying in a narrow sense, as the interaction between Bullies and those they oppress — with one key exception. In this particular case, witnesses to the bullying assume a Rescuer role, supporting the oppressed and harshly criticizing the Bullies. Thus, a Bully-Victim-Rescuer vicious cycle has been established. Bullies often respond to this development with a “shape-shifter” maneuver, by complaining about being ganged up on. In assuming this secondary role of Rebel-Victim, Bullies are able to build a base of support, drawing from those who have felt disenfranchised, yet lacking in their own voice to address their grievances.

A Specific Example of this Dynamic Process

I recognize that this is only an abstract skeleton of real-life interactions, so I’ll provide an example to put some flesh on those lifeless bones. In introducing his presidential candidacy, Donald Trump blamed illegal Mexican immigrants for the plight of struggling average American workers. We can characterize his condemnation of an entire class of people for the offenses of a minority as an instance of bullying. This resulted in the wrath and censure of more progressive Americans for his unfairly casting a broad net of suspicion and disparagement over the Hispanic community. Their response allowed him to cast himself as a maligned Victim of the Washington elite establishment, whom he also blamed for neglecting average Americans in favor of special interests, including Hispanics. He thus cultivated a base of support among primarily white American workers, who had seen little improvement in wages in decades, while investors and their benefactors, the corporate executives, prospered. Thus, he achieved a Robin Hood-like Rebel status as champion for the little guy, while actually deflecting attention away from the corporate complex responsible for the historically inequitable distribution of wealth. 

Finding a Receptive Audience

I recognize that those committed members of Trump’s base will take exception to this example. I am probably guilty of preaching to the choir, but I hope to appeal also to those who may describe themselves as undecided, independents, or neutral.  There are sufficient similar examples to the one above to establish a recurrent pattern, though the cast of characters may vary (e.g., Muslims, the Chinese, the BLM movement).  I admit that I have been short on details regarding the issue of the expanding income disparity between the working class and the investor/executive class.  For this, I refer the readers to Robert Reich, the former Secretary of Labor under President Clinton, who has been quite compelling in filling in the economic details, through his Inequality Media website, as well as his Economic Policy Institute.

Understanding the Bully’s Committed Followers

The dramatic arts do a good job of portraying the fervor that demagogues can stir up in their supporters. Willie Stark in All the King’s Men rallies his fellow “hicks” to his cause by playing the “victim-rebel” card against the political elite (He could use the h-word because he identified with it himself). Charles Foster Kane in Citizen Kane holds a similar sway over his true believers.

A Real-life Example

Yet we don’t need to refer to fictional works to help us understand this dynamic process. President Trump plays out his Victim-Rebel role to stir up outrage among his base. By proclaiming that the Establishment victimizes him and his followers, he stirs up their outrage as Victims. Then, by posing as the Rebel who can stand up to the system, he energizes their commitment to the cause and strengthens their identity vicariously. It is indeed ironic that he employs a Victim Role to consolidate his power, but that is not uncommon among Bullies. Wolves in sheep’s clothing can be quite adept at pulling the wool over their followers’ eyes, as they lead the sheep to the slaughter. Unfortunately, with the COVID-19 pandemic, this metaphor strikes too close to home.

What NOT to Do

It should be fairly obvious that disrespecting and disparaging the Bullies’ followers will only entrench them in the Bullies’ camp. As I have counseled a time or two, focus on their words and deeds, not on their character. Hilary Clinton’s off-hand labeling of Trump supporters as “deplorables” did much to derail her presidential campaign. Whether on its own or as a part of a broader contempt for the Trump followers, it may well have cost her the election.                              

An Alternative Approach

Instead, it’s probably more effective to explore with the followers their core values behind the support of their candidate. As we listen to their stories, we might notice how we share many of the same values. This is often the case even when  we have reached quite different conclusions about putting them into practice. Next, we might probe for other values we suspect we have in common. Then, we might relate how we ourselves grapple with conflicts between these various values that we share with them.

Exposing the Trade-offs between Values

The above discussion prepares us to address the inherent conflicts within certain pairs of values. These include individuality vs. belonging, freedom vs. order, living in the moment vs. planning ahead, and adventure vs. security. Now all this is rather heady philosophical stuff, as I have addressed in Muddling Down a Middle Path. Yet Bill Waterston illustrates these paradoxes in Calvin and Hobbes, linked above, in quite down-to-earth terms. demonstrating how they are basic aspects of the human condition. I find them helpful for appreciating the practical implications of these basic aspects of the human condition.  Hopefully, by sharing our own struggles with competing values, we might discourage the Bully’s fan base from a simplistic either/or, all-or-none, black-or-white value system that supports an “us vs. them” political mentality.

Keeping an Open Mind

Yet, there is a huge catch. If we want Bullies’ followers to be receptive to our perspective, we must demonstrate an openness to theirs. This does not mean abandoning our values or principles, by any means. Rather, we simply recognize that they are striking a balance between conflicting values in a different place on the continuum than we do.  We also need to appreciate that there is no logical reasoning that establishes exactly where that optimal balance is. (I still adhere to a principle of the Middle Path. This states that positions toward the center of the continuum are more adaptive than those at the extremes.)

The Leap from Values to Policies

The above discussion has laid the groundwork for transitioning from values to policy. In other words, how do we translate our values into policy and action? Here is where having some factual information comes in handy. Having data to establish the nature of the problems, such as climate change, wealth inequality, or the national debt, can then help to define the issues. With this discussion, we can address whether their candidate’s positions on issues actually further their values. 

Practicing Verbal Judo

By incorporating the base’s values into our discussions and identifying inconsistencies with their candidate’s positions and actions, we are engaging in a form of verbal judo, which I have introduced earlier in this article. Yet, this thought bears repeating: we need to be receptive to perspectives other than our own. If we are not, how can we expect to learn anything? Even if we do not bridge the gap between our views and those of the Bullies’ followers, we will have at least promoted civility – in ourselves, and perhaps in our adversaries.

Caveats about this Approach

This proposed approach to dealing with the Bullies’ support base probably comes across as idealistic and unrealistic. Perhaps it is better suited to those who are on the fence. I do not expect this approach to convert the ardent “true believers.” Their fear of and contempt for others shuts them off from recognizing their common humanity. This applies even when those others actually share similar issues and concerns. Rather than writing them off as “deplorables,” perhaps the best we can do is to commiserate with them. We can appreciate how their sense of alienation, powerlessness, and insecurity interferes with fulfilling their own American dreams. Note that I’m not recommending saying this to them in those terms. Nor am I endorsing their blindly following a demagogue as a valid solution to their plight.

Not All about Trump

The thrust of this article is on bullying, not President Trump. True, he’s so  vain, he’d probably think this is all about him. That is, if he’d even bother to read it. I have simply used him as a classic example of systemic bullying, mainly because he serves so well as a readily available example. His public record saves me the trouble of compiling clinical case material and disguising it to protect confidentiality. There are plenty of others like him, including the mini-Trumps in Congress who enable his authoritarian style. In many instances, I am leaving it to the reader to connect the dots between the ideas  in this article and examples readily available in the public domain.

Defining Ourselves through Identification and Dissent

Even though this article focuses on dealing with Bullies, the coverage is much broader, expanding to address our very identity. How we deal with Bullies can play a key role in defining our personal identities. Who we are is determined not just by whom and what we endorse, but also by whom and what we oppose. While the former identifies our qualities shared with others (e.g., religion, political affiliation, club membership, profession or trade, etc.), the latter declares what makes us different. And it is these differences which make us unique. Can we really say that we have individual identities if we don’t have unique qualities? Saying “yes” to ourselves sometimes requires us to say “no” to others. Otherwise, we would be “all things to all people,” – except maybe to ourselves. Without the willingness and ability to oppose others, we would simply be conformists. And with their incessant pressure for us to comply with their demands, Bullies pose an acid test to our individuality.

Beyond Tribalism

There is one qualification to the above characterization: we do not claim our individual identities when we always say “yes” to our allies and “no” to our adversaries. All we do is establish our tribal identity in an “us” vs. “them” polarization. We’ve all seen how well that is working in American politics. Instead, we need to use our own judgment to decide whether we actually agree with our friends. Bullies aren’t just limited to our adversaries – our allies can also pressure us to make decisions that may not be in our best interests. We also need to be open-minded toward those with whom we disagree. Without this, we’d fall into the Critic role – a milder form of bullying. Just because we disagree shouldn’t make them our enemies. In fact, we might learn something different from them, whereas our allies are likely just to teach us more of the same.

Epilogue

I hope that this perspective on dealing with Bullies is helpful. It’s not essential to buy into the whole package to do this introspective work – you can order a la carte, if you like. The various perspectives that are presented here do tend to hang together, though – you’ll find them interwoven throughout my website. They make up a sort of entrée.

No Rules, Just Guidelines

Readers will notice that this article proposes guidelines and suggestions, not hard-and-fast rules. The latter approach would be contrary to a basic theme of this perspective, that we are all responsible for finding our own way, though hopefully with support. This outlook is based not only on the absence of a comprehensive code of absolute, universal values for guidance, but also on the contradiction of many of these values in paradoxical polarities.  (Did I mention my article, Muddling down a Middle Path: Wading through the Messiness of Life?)

Timeless Truth

Furthermore, you will note that I have cited few references to lend authority to my assertions. In fact, my most frequent reference has been to Lao-tzu’s Tao Te Ching, an ancient (yet timeless) book of Chinese proverbs. I encourage readers to read this short work for themselves, and I recommend readers to Stephen Mitchell’s 1988 work, which is as much interpretation as translation.

The Issue of Scientific Truth

With regard to the absence of scientific references, I recall a Sufi tale in which the sage is challenged by a skeptic for his lack of authoritative references in his arguments – to which the sage responded by suggesting that the reliance on such authorities implies a lack of confidence in one’s own convictions. While I hope that my readers find my various ideas compelling, I am by no means refuting scientific findings. Though my ideas are empically-based (i.e., derived from my own experiences), they lack the “evidence-based” certification that validates their Ultimate Truth. (Yes, I am being ironic, if not somewhat sarcastic.)

A Call for Scientific Review

I welcome feedback from psychologists and other mental health professionals that presents scientific studies that either support or refute the ideas presented here. And for those areas without conclusive relevant research, there may be a master’s thesis, doctoral dissertation, or scientific study to be mined. The challenge is to construct a research design that “operationalizes” the relevant factors in terms of dependent and independent variables. If I have lost you on this last point, then good – you have some appreciation for why I haven’t pursued academic psychology.

Happy Trails

In the meantime, I am trusting that you will evaluate my ideas on the basis of their relevance, reasonableness, and fit with your own experience. Readers have the right to disagree. I only ask that you do so thoughtfully and respectfully – for your sake as much as for mine. This would involve resisting two opposing tendencies. First would be a fault-finding dismissal based on a close-minded adherence to your preconceived notions. Second, and just as problematic, would be a total, unquestioning buy-in, so that you can apply the suggestions without questioning or critical thinking. I hope that you find a middle ground between these two extremes, so that you can continue exploring these matters in a spirit of curiosity, adventure, and awe. And if you like, keep me informed on your progress with this quest.