There’s nothing quite as effective as obligating yourself to something for turning play into work, especially if you put a schedule or a deadline to it. I found that out quite early in my blogging career, with my setting a goal of posting a blog each weekend. Here it is Weekend Two, with my having plenty of ideas in mind, as demonstrated by my Preview of Coming Attractions: Blogs under Construction, and yet I am obsessing about what to put out. Of course, having difficulty finding and retrieving past files and navigating HTML and the blogging platform doesn’t make it any easier. Still, I am left with the question as to why it is so easy to change something that I want to do into something that I have to do. When I make something a “should,” I am externalizing the control, with my responding to what I perceive as an external demand, even if it did originate with me. And with my being somewhat of a rogue, and therefore closer to the individuality pole of the individuality – belonging continuum, I tend to resist this force, even if it is largely internalized. (This pattern will be addressed in more detail in my upcoming blog regarding the critic – victim/rebel vicious cycle pattern.) When I stopped to realize just what was going on, this gave me a sense of liberation, since I now recognize what I was dealing with. (By the way, I owe a debt of gratitude to Hugh Livingstone, the sculptor in The Eskimo Who Lost His Art and Soul, who experienced with a similar struggle with his sudden fame.) So, part of my resolution is to use this struggle as fodder for my blog, following the adage, “If life gives you a bowl of lemons, learn to make lemonade.”

Still, this does not present a broader answer to the dilemma of living in the shadow of the “should”s. In exploring this issue, I am recognizing that the answer is not simply a clear-cut matter of authenticity, or “being true to oneself.” If I want to communicate with others, I must speak in a language that they understand and I must establish some predictability in order for others to come find my messages. These involve at least two different polarities, that of “being there for myself” versus “being there for others,” and that of order versus freedom. These both involve paradoxes, as empirical data and logic will not tell me just exactly where I “should” be on either of these continua. This realization brings with it a certain freedom, and yet a certain responsibility, as well.

 If I am to reach other people in a meaningful way, I must be willing to sacrifice a certain degree of my “being there for myself,” or selfishness, as well as a certain degree of my freedom. If I were to make such sacrifices out a sense of duty or obligation, I would likely view these constraints as an encroachment on my liberty.  I would then feel rather oppressed, or perhaps repressed, if I were not aware of these forces. If, on the other hand, I were to make the sacrifices out of a sense of love or caring for others, I would more likely experience compassion, rather than resentment. Then, these concessions of my “egocentric imperative” (i.e., having everything on my terms) for the greater cause of sharing would still be authentic, as it would express a genuine “being there for others.” Then, I would still be doing what I want, rather than what I think I should be doing.

Another factor in the oppressiveness of “should”s has to do with our living up to certain expectations, which are also frequently experienced as external, even if they originate within ourselves. This is where we can be our own worst critics. I am not going to make specific recommendations in this blog post as to how to deal with this predicament; rather, I will point you to my story of The Man with a Monkey on His Back.

In reviewing this blog post, I recognize that I am utilizing my perspective on the paradoxical nature of the human condition without having previously laid the conceptual groundwork. While this shortcoming may impose some limits on your understanding of this entry, it provides a concrete example of this process being played out in real-time, as I am composing the blog post. Hopefully, it will also stimulate your curiosity to pursue these issues in more depth in the coming weeks and months. I also invite you to share your own examples of such dilemmas, yet with a caution that I may post your comments on my website, unless you request otherwise.