Monthly Archives: January 2015

When Is a Conflict Not a Real Conflict?

Personal Conflict

Couples at times argue over only apparent differences, when they, in fact, agree in their basic concerns. Imagine, if you will, a couple arguing over whether the glass is half-full or half-empty. Or recall the beer commercials involving a debate over whether the beer “tastes great” or is “less filling.” Though actually a marketing ploy, this illustrates how you can have a disagreement between two mutually compatible positions.” Edward Albee took this theme of apparent conflict to the absurd in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?. Here, the spouses George and Martha clashing in heated arguments over the son whom they never had.

Misunderstandings

What we often are dealing with in such situations is not an actual conflict, but rather a misunderstanding. This misunderstanding can arise either from a miscommunication or from a misinterpretation, or from a combination of the two. In the case of miscommunication, what one says is not what one actually means. With misinterpretation, what one hears is not what was actually said. Of course, both processes may occur together, adding to the chaos. Wiley Miller has dramatized such misunderstandings in his comic strip, Non Sequitur. In the series entitled “Why We’ll Never Understand Each Other.” Here, he illustrated misinterpretation by contrasting what one spouse heard with what the other actually said.  In still other strips, he addressed miscommunication, showing the discrepancy between what one says and what one means.

Whatever the case, miscommunication or misinterpretation, the solution can be quite simply a matter of inquiry and clarification. The listener might inquire with a paraphrase, such as, “If I understand you, you saying that . . ?”  In turn, the speaker might respond, “No, what I really mean to say is . . .” As simple as this solution is, it is amazing how infrequently it gets used. Instead, partners often operate on the misguided assumption that they know exactly what each other means.

Style versus Content

Frequently, the impasse is not over the content of the communication, but over its style. Often, the manner of expression leaves the other feeling disregarded, dismissed, disrespected, judged, blamed, belittled, etc. When this pattern of communication goes back and forth, it becomes a vicious cycle. as I described in Vicious Cycle Patterns in Relationships 2.0. These interactions convey a deeper erosion of the bond that holds the partners together. This is a serious concern that requires attention, even when there is no “actual” conflict over a significant issue. Such is an example of style trumping substance.

The Broader Implication

We should note that this discussion also applies to those situations when the couple has honest differences of opinions. Then, the partners may need to resolve communication styles before they are ready to address the “actual” conflict.

Interpersonal Conflict Strategies

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An earlier post, Dealing with Conflict in Relationships: The Art of Assertiveness, affirmed that interpersonal conflict is a normal and healthy aspect of relationships. It proposed conflict a means through which we maintain a dynamic balance between our own self-interest and the well-being of our partners. While it noted self-expression, active listening, and negotiation as three basic components of conflict resolution, it did not identify particular strategies that one might adopt in this process. The below table outlines eight such strategies. This list is not etched in stone, such that others may come up with a different number of strategies, and different strategies entirely.  Much is simply a matter of personal preference as to how to cut up the pie, with the primary criterion of the “truth” of these concepts lying in their usefulness.

STYLEADVANTAGESDRAWBACKS
Avoidance -ignoring and refusing to deal with conflictStrategic retreat, to prevent escalation of hostilities and to regain perspectiveConflicts, problems and stress accumulate, others lose respect for you and get their way by default
Accommodation- giving in, submitting, capitulatingAdmitting when wrong, conceding when defeated, when your opponent has all the leverageGetting less of what you want, being perceived as weak, getting taken advantage of, getting taken for granted
Competition - trying to win the best deal that you can getGetting the best deal you can get, demonstrating your sense of self-worthPutting self-interest ahead of the relationship, with the risk of weakening it
Confrontation- standing your ground, claiming to be in the right, declaring the other side wrongStanding up for your principles and values, clarifying differences in perspectivesAlienating others; appearing self-righteous and dogmatic; threatening the relationship; blaming, judging others as inferior, wrong, immoral, etc.
Coercion- being “heavy-handed” with applying leverage, using threats and perhaps involving blackmailing or extortionGetting your way, at least on the particular issue at handExpectable deterioration of the relationship, trust and good faith
Provocation- escalation of tensions by inflaming the anger of the otherTemporary relief of tension by discharging anger, gaining leverage by getting the other to lose control and act impulsivelyUsually an escalation of tension, with greater chance of violence; deterioration of trust and respect, major damage to the relationship
Compromise - negotiating for 50 - 50 solutions, meeting int the middle Give and take, balance of self-interest and care for the other, demonstrating commitment to the relationship by showing willingness to make sacrificesPossible compromising of ideals, principles and integrity; possibly not getting the best deal available
Collaboration - cooperating, working together to get more of what you both want, despite differencesMaximizing gains for both sides, attaininng "win-win" solutions (e.g., a 70-70 or 80-70 solution, rather than just a 50-50 one), strengthening the relationshipSame as compromise, plus lending credibility to a position antithetical to your values, ethics, and principles

Note that the table lists both advantages and drawbacks for each of the eight interpersonal conflict strategies. That does not mean that they are equally helpful, as certain ones, such as compromise and collaboration, are typically more productive, particularly in the context of an ongoing relationship. The effectiveness of a particular conflict strategy often depends upon the particular situation in which it is used: sometimes you need a saw, and other times you need a hammer.